


conquest of spaces

by squireofgeekdom



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Gen, Mako Lives, Newt Recovers, Nonbinary Character, Post-Movie: Pacific Rim: Uprising (2018), THE POWER OF SCIENCE, The power of friendship, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character, Trans Woman OC, Trans!Newt, nonbinary OC
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-23
Updated: 2018-05-14
Packaged: 2019-04-26 15:25:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 27,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14404980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/squireofgeekdom/pseuds/squireofgeekdom
Summary: It takes a Shatterdome to save two people the Precursors have tried to destroy, and to help them put the pieces back together in the aftermath.A story about liquor and ice cream, donuts and decaf coffee, kaiju-blood rocket boots, and, in Pacific Rim tradition, the power of science and people too stubborn to give up on each other.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the Woodkid song.

Raleigh’s helicopter touches down in the rain. 

With Jake tied up in preparations for Mako’s memorial service, it has fallen to Hermann to meet Raleigh at the landing pad. He pulls his hood higher to shield himself from the rain as he watches Raleigh climb out of the helicopter. 

For a moment, Raleigh looks right past him, like he’s expecting someone else to emerge from under a black umbrella.

But it’s only momentary. Raleigh looks at him, and it seems like the weight of a hurricane drags him down in that one look. 

Hermann doesn’t know what to say.

Raleigh takes in the silence, and smiles weakly with effort. “There still a mess hall in this place?”

\---

They end up leaving the mess hall for the privacy of Hermann’s lab, setting down metal trays on a piece of tabletop that Hermann hastily clears. 

“It’s -” Raleigh sighs. “I think - I think I’m only really starting to believe it now that I’m here. I -” he puts his head in his hands. “She travels all the time, it’s not like - and - and she called me from the airport, before she got on the helicopter. When I was home, I kept - I kept thinking that when the phone rang, it was going to be her, telling me that she was getting on a flight home. That I would see her in a few hours. And now -” He looks at Hermann, “ - you - you all, you saw it happen. For you, for this base, it’s - it’s been real since when it happened. I got here, and I saw the memorial, and -” He’s at a loss for words, and they sit in silence for a few moments. 

“I - forget, also,” Hermann says, finally, “I - when I see something she would - would have enjoyed, or I have a question she could answer, and I - I think to call her.” He continues. “Even got to dialing her number a once, earlier.” He adds, with a chagrined half smile. 

“I’m sorry,” Raleigh says, “I - sometimes I forget how long you two have known each other. Knew each other.”

“Certainly not - not like you did.” Hermann sighs. “She has always been exceedingly bright. We were on the same base for some time, but it was when the cuts started that - well, I suppose we all got to know each other better. I always said she would have made a very talented mathematician. She always got along better with Newton, though, in spite of everything  _ kaiju” _ He says the word with something more bitter than his usual scoff, _ “ _ on his side.” He huffs, not quite a laugh. “They would come up with  _ absurd _ ideas for jaegers, from Newton’s shows. He would always try to convince her that she should join the science division, but -” He can’t help but smile. “He was so proud of her. Like - like she was a long-lost cousin.”

Raleigh’s fingers are tight around the edge of his chair. “I just - I don’t know how this could have happened. How he could -”

“That’s  _ not him _ .” Hermann spits out, with more vitriol than he either intended or expected. “The precursors using him as a  _ puppet  _ are  _ -” _

“I know. I’m sorry.” Raleigh says, cutting Hermann off from a tirade he’s been on at least a dozen times now with  _ various individuals  _ around the base. “This - it must be much harder for you.” 

Hermann’s not entirely sure how to interpret that. 

“You knew him longer than I did.” Raleigh says, and doesn’t elaborate.

“I -” Hermann starts. “It is hard not to - believe, that I should have known - something.”

“Hey,” Raleigh says, “Whatever - the precursors - that thing - he - it - they? - it knew what it was doing, when it left. Getting away from everyone who knew Newt best. It must have known that you would have seen that it wasn’t really Newt if you were around it for long.”

It’s awful that that makes him feel better. Awful that the possibility that it wasn’t  _ Newton _ who left him is a comfort. 

He tightens his grip on his cane. 

“It’s hard.” Raleigh continues, after Hermann is silent for several moments. “That they’re both gone,”

“Newt is  _ not  _ **_dead_ ** .” He says - almost shouts - and is immediately taken aback by both his words and his volume. “I’m sorry, that was - that was terribly insensitive. I’m sorry, you -”

“It’s alright,”  Raleigh says, “Been a bit of a rough - week for everyone.” He sighs. 

After a few moments, he adds. “Do you really think he’s still in there?”

“ _ Yes. _ ” He says, concentrating to constrain his voice between gritted teeth. 

Raleigh looks at him, and Hermann can tell that he doesn’t believe the word. It’s hard to blame him; it is difficult even for him to reconcile that Newt could still be alive in there with what he - what  _ it  _ had done. Killing Mako. And yet  - 

\- but he can’t say that, he can’t say that he thought he saw him, for a split second of horror when the precursors had had their hands around Hermann’s neck, because he’s still not sure he didn’t imagine it. 

Imagined or not, it doesn’t matter. “The precursors may have control now, but I refuse to believe that Newt has given up, and I certainly will not either. We  _ will  _ get him back.”

“Well, you usually end up being right in the end, I’ve found.” Raleigh says with a tired smile. “Far be it from me to contradict you.”

\---

He doesn’t remember much of the memorial service. 

He remembers thinking that Mako wouldn’t have liked it much. That wasn’t Jake’s fault - the Council and the Corps had been looking for a formal event for the press, a way to tie a bow on all the chaos, and he’d navigated their ‘gentle suggestions’ as best as someone navigating the attempted end of the world and the death of his sister could. 

However, in defense of the event, only part of his lack of memory can be attributed to the dullness of the ceremony. The other part can be attributed directly to Jake Pentecost himself, who had arrived at his door shortly after the dignitaries had left, with a bemused Herc Hansen in tow, carrying several bottles of alcohol whose labels Herman can now only hazily reccolect, and a tub of ice cream the size of his torso. 

“Now,” Jake had said, “We’re going to have a damn  _ wake. _ ”

He can’t remember much of the wake, either, just snatches of sitting next to Raleigh, the cold of an absurdly large bowl of ice cream in his lap, drinking to increasingly incoherent toasts while part of his mind was waiting for Newton to make a joke about his drinking habits. 

He remembers this:

Jake, telling a story about an argument he and Mako had had, at about age twelve-or-so about Jaegers, and the plausibility of giving them giant lightsabers.

“Oh, that never stopped, I remember -” he’d said - “Mako and Newton, making plans for a jaeger based on one of Newton’s  _ shows -  _ some absurd armor thing, with spikes, or horns, something like that -” He could remember Mako’s grin perfectly, he looked to his side for Newton’s entirely predictable interjection about how it wasn’t absurd, and it wasn’t one of ‘ _ his shows’,  _ it was - 

But there was no interjection.

\---

Newt would appreciate a wake, though he’d want it to have more and louder music.

(It’s a terrible thought. He can’t un-think it.)

\---

Raleigh is at his door in the morning. 

It is too early. And too bright. And too loud. 

“I want to see him.” Raleigh says, without preamble. “It. I want to - I. Yeah.”

“Oh god,” Hermann moans vaguely into his doorframe, “I haven’t been this hungover since… since…”

“I think I’m still drunk.” Raleigh says. “Don’t know if I could handle this sober.”

Hermann hauls his head into a vaguely upright position. “You’re serious.”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“I -” Raleigh laughs, a humorless snort. “I guess I’m looking for the answer to that question.” He says. “Will you help me?”

“I may not be much help.” Hermann admits. “I’m not exactly popular down there.” Mostly because he’d spent the past several days insisting, badgering, and occasionally being driven to cajoling that he be allowed to attempt to drift with Newt, to try and find him, to force the precursors out of his head through brute - something. 

Eventually the polite ‘no’s had degraded to ‘are you out of your mind, get the hell out’s.

Newton is the PPDC’s loose ribbon in the bow they’ve attempted to tie over the end of the world, and over the past few days it doesn’t seem that anyone has gotten any closer to determining what to do with him or the precursors inhabiting him.

“It’s worth a shot,” Raleigh says. “You helped save the world, that’s got to be worth something.” 

“You are - sure you want to do this?”

“I think I have to.” Raleigh looks at him. “I’m sorry,” He says, after a few moments, “I shouldn’t have woken you, you already -”

“No,” Hermann says, “No, I’ll go with you.”

\---

Maybe saving the world does count for something, because the two of them are allowed to see him. 

Hermann stands next to Raleigh on the other side of the two-way mirror while the guards check on Newt and prepare the room. Newt’s arms and legs are strapped down to the chair, monitors attached to his arm and forehead, and an IV in the other arm. They’ve put him in short sleeved medical scrubs, so his tattoos are clearly visible. Hermann can still remember the first time he had seen them after Newt was captured, the way the round burn scars where the cartoonish kaiju eyes had once been had drawn his eyes and made his stomach clench.

“Hey! Hey!” They can hear Newt’s voice clearly through the glass. Hermann winces. “You’re early! Does this mean I’m having visitors? Aw, no, don’t move that, I liked that -”

Raleigh is pale. “I didn’t - I didn’t realize it would sound so much like him.”

“Newton’s brain has been the precursors’ primary filter to understand any sort of human communication.” Hermann says, “The precursor’s native communication - it’s too far removed from ours to translate at all. It sounds like him because there is no other way for it to sound and still communicate.” If it comes across like a statement he’s repeated too many times, it’s because it is. “When jaeger pilots drift, they are controlling something with a design patterned after their own bodies, that their minds are already prepared to control. The precursors are  _ not  _ in something designed for them, they are making use of existing ‘levers’ even though they are foreign to their own thought patterns.”

That’s his hypothesis, in any case. The past few sleepless nights have been enough for that, at least. 

“You can go in now,” One of the guards says, holding open the door. “Stay behind the line.”

There is a line of tape on the floor, dividing the room. Hermann’s half, and half for the thing inside Newton. It’s almost nostalgic.

“Raleigh!” Newt’s eyes light up. “Raleigh, buddy, you’re back! How’ve you been, it’s been ages! What’s -” It continues with a cruel smile “- going on in  _ your  _ life? Anything  _ new _ ? Any big  _ changes _ ?”

Hermann puts a hand on Raleigh’s shoulder. 

“Mako is dead.” Raleigh says, and his voice cracks on the last word. “I want to know why. On - on top of everything you -  _ precursors _ \- did, everything you tried to do.” His eyes are bloodshot. “Why did you kill her?”

Hermann expects laughter. Mockery, gloating. He tightens his grip on Raleigh’s shoulder.

He doesn’t expect muttering. 

He can’t see Newt’s face at all, head bowed and voice inaudible. Newt’s fingers are twitching on the edge of the armrests. 

“ _ Why? _ ” Raleigh takes a step forward, to the edge of the line, and Hermann turns such that he will have slightly more leverage if he needs to push Raleigh back - not that he thinks much of his own chances. “She was your  _ friend _ \- why -” his voice breaks, “ - why did you kill her?” 

Newt’s head snaps up, eyes vaguely manic as he stares at them. “She’s alive!” He shouts. “She’s not dead - she’s alive - the island - you have to get to the -” He chokes on his own words with a grunt, head thrown further back, his throat bared, scruffy with days lack of shaving, hands flexed and arms straining against the restraints. 

Raleigh stares, eyes wide and horrified, face white with shock. Hermann leans on his shoulder and says, cautiously, “Newton?”

Now the laughter. Bubbling up from the exposed throat, low and faint at first and building to something that betrays the inhuman nature of the beings giving voice to it. 

Newt’s head tilts back down to face them, eyes overwide. “Wouldn’t that be nice. That’s what you want to hear, right? The hero pilots get a happy ending. Everyone lives.”

Newton’s left eye is bloodshot. It wasn’t before. 

“Ah. Hello again.” Hermann says, words clipped. “You’re saying Mako  _ is _ dead?”

“Of course she’s dead!” Newt’s voice says, giggling, tipping over the edge into hysterical. “She got in the way! Nothing personal, she was really more of a ‘casual acquaintance’ for us, you understand. Whip smart though, I understand why we - he liked her so much. Too much, too much! Too much of a threat, too  _ useful - _ ” The quality of Newt’s voice changes, just for a moment, stutters on the word, then picks right back up -  “you know? Had to go.”

“I’m done.” Raleigh says, voice low, his shoulder shaking slightly under Hermann’s grip. 

“What? No, we were just getting started!” Newt’s voice whines. “Don’t you want to hear what happened to her? We’ve had a lot of bodies, we know what it feels like to burn to death. Don’t you want to -”

Hermann shuts the door behind them. 

\---

It is hours later when they actually have the conversation.

“I’m going to the island.” Raleigh says. “I need the coordinates and a helicopter, that’s it. I don’t care if -”

“Raleigh -” Herc, who’d watched the security video of the - incident, with an increasingly furrowed frown, cuts Raleigh off. “You can’t listen to anything that  _ thing  _ says. It’s trying to mess with your head, and by my odds, probably get you killed too.”

“And what if it wasn’t that thing?” Raleigh says, “He -” and Raleigh points at Hermann, “Thinks Newt is still in there. What if that was Newt trying to get through to us? You saw the tape -”

Herc waves a hand. “Dammit, Raleigh -”

“ _ Do _ you think it was him?” Raleigh whirls on Hermann. 

He tightens his grip on his cane. “Yes,” He says, taking care with his pronounciation, to keep all hints of shaking from his voice. “I do.”

“But are you sure?” Herc digs at him.

Hermann doesn’t say anything. He can’t, because he doesn’t know, he can’t know, he can’t - 

“See!” Herc says when Hermann says nothing. “You can’t -”

“ _ I don’t care! _ ” Jake shouts, cutting across them all. “If you think I’m going to leave  _ any chance  _ that my  _ sister  _ might be  _ alive -! _ ”

“ _ You blew it all up! _ ” Herc shouts back, “Everything on that island was  _ destroyed - _ ”

“You don’t know that! We don’t - she could be -”

“You think I don’t want her to be alive! You think I don’t want all of them to be alive!” Herc says. “Christ, Jake! I don’t want to see  _ more  _ of you die because of those monsters! I can’t let you just - run headlong into a trap.”

Jake looks slightly less likely to take a swing at Herc. Still, he clenches his jaw, shoulders tight. “I’m going. I don’t care if it’s a trap. Mako never gave up on me, no matter how slim the chance was, and I’m sure as hell not giving up on her.”

“You’re not alone.” Raleigh says, a hand on Jake’s shoulder.

Herc looks at them, and sighs. “The PPDC won’t like it.” He says, “But I’ve spent too much time working with Stacker to care about that. I’ll help you. Whatever you need.”

Jake nods. 

Hermann looks down at his cane and hopes to anything that might be listening that he’s right.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we meet the neuroscience team, science is done, and a strategy is developed. Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My background is absolutely not in neuroscience, and I couldn't even begin to speculate on how Drift machinery would work if it existed, so this is all very vague handwavey science, but (hopefully) with its own internal logic.
> 
> This was originally one chapter, but I broke it out into two for readability's sake.

Mako isn’t dead.

If he looks only at the right half of her face through the glass and the gel, she could be sleeping. 

The left half of her face glows in bioluminescent spots through a patchwork of scales.

Jake and Raleigh had brought her back not even an hour ago, her stasis pod, for want of a better term, carried out from the nearly-buried lower levels of the island base. So far, all they had been able to determine was that she was alive; without knowing more about how the pod worked or her physical state, no one had been willing to remove her to try and wake her up.

The two of them, Jake and Raleigh, are sitting beside the pod, one of the medics patching a cut on Raleigh’s forehead - Raleigh hadn’t seemed to notice it, though they had mentioned the structure was unstable, so perhaps falling debris? He’s - 

(he’s not avoiding looking at Mako. he’s not.) 

“C’mon,” Herc says, clapping a hand on Hermann’s shoulder. “Let’s get them out of here.”

Hermann looks at him.

“There’s nothing more we can do to help right now, and they’re going to make themselves sick if they just keep sitting there without food or sleep, and you know damn well that’s exactly what they’ll do if someone with sense doesn’t do something about them.”

There  _ would  _ be something they could do to help if Newt was here. Newt would understand the kaiju biology involved, he would - 

But if Newt was actually here, Mako wouldn’t be in that pod, wouldn’t have -

“Yes,” Hermann says. “Yes, you’re right.”

Eating dinners in his lab is going to become a dangerous habit, he thinks as Herc badgers Raleigh into eating more off of his tray. Jake’s appetite seems to have come into effect once he started eating, though he is using his fork to stab his food with unnecessary violence. 

Raleigh’s eyes refocus from their thousand-yard stare to fix on Hermann. “He was telling the truth.” He says, “Newt. It - that was the truth.” 

Hermann has a strong feeling that Raleigh’s talking about Newt because he can’t talk about his Drift partner being unconscious in a pod. 

“You were right.” Raleigh concludes.

Herc looks from Raleigh to Hermann. “You think -”

“If he’s in there, we can get him out.” Raleigh says. “If - if -” He takes a breath, closes his eyes. “He knew Mako was alive, and he knew where they took her. He knows what they did to her. If we can -”

“Don’t - let’s not go counting our chickens -” Herc starts.

“Why the hell not?” Jake interjects. “We kicked the kaiju off the damn planet, you don’t think we can kick them out of one guy’s brain?”

“I do not think that jet boots will be exactly applicable in this situation.” Hermann says, but he’s smiling slightly. Jake looks up and grins back. 

“Do you think we can do it?” Raleigh asks, looking at Hermann.

“Yes.” He says. He does not add that he would have tried anyway, with them or not, plausible or not.

Raleigh nods, once, solemnly. 

“PPDC won’t like it.” Jake says. 

“PPDC would rather everyone forget he existed.” Herc says. “He’s still in there. He helped save the world, back in my day. I think we all owe him one, don’t you?”

Jake nods along. “‘Sides,” He adds, “Dude knows more about the kaiju than anyone.” He leans forward in his chair. “We want him on  _ our  _ team when we take the fight to  _ them. _ ”

Hermann can picture precisely the satisfied grin that Newt would be wearing on his face right now if he could hear  _ that _ particular praise _.  _

There are worse things. 

\----

The thing about having saved the world, he had realized last time - and wasn’t that an uncommon phrase - is that sometimes, with the right things in line, things move very, very quickly indeed.

Here’s what happens, when he goes to try and find Newt the next day

“‘Tor? Is that you?” The voice is coming from a door adjacent to Newton’s - room, where someone in a tweed suit is leaning over a stack of boxes. “Can you message Lup, tell her to bring the third set of files, not the - oh.” A puff of dark, curly hair swings up as the speaker looks up at Hermann. A brightly colored pin on the lapel of the jacket identifies the wearer’s pronouns as they/them. 

“Er - Hello.” Hermann says to the vaguely-familiar person - he seemed to remember seeing them around base, he was sure they worked there, but he had no name to put to their face. He’d certainly never worked with them - maybe he’d just seen them around the mess? That had to be it.

“Ah - hello.” They tug on the hem of their suit jacket as they straighten up. “Dr. Kay Easley. Head of the Drift division. The neuroscience division. Er. Yes.”

“Ah. Dr. Hermann Gottlieb.” He extends a hand. 

“Yes. I - I know.” They say, taking his hand. “We’ve - I met you. Earlier. I introduced myself.”

“Ah yes, I remember.” He does not remember. “My apologies. What brings you down to this - level?”

They look blank for a moment. “Oh. They didn’t - they didn’t tell you? Okay.” They pinch the bridge of their nose for a moment before looking back up at him. “They’ve tasked the - our division to Dr. Geiszler’s - case. Pentecost’s orders. Er - Jake’s, not - uh - not  _ Marshall _ Marshall Pentecost. I mean, not  _ everybody’ _ s coming back from the dead. Ah.” They clasp their hands over their mouth and swear under their breath in a language that Hermann would guess was Filipino. “Sorry.” They add at the end.

“The  _ whole _ division?” Hermann asks, still flabbergasted. 

“I - yes.” They say, “Obviously we can’t move some of the larger equipment, and the more sensitive stuff, but the security team asked that we move as much of what we’d need for observational work down here, at least as much as we could, to avoid back and forth, and - well, I’ll miss windows, but I decided it would be easier if we moved the bulk of our relevant materials down here for the duration. Ah,” They add, “There’s Hector,”

Hector is not immediately visible, unless they’ve given that particular stack of boxes, currently trundling towards them on a cart, a name.

“Dr. Gottlieb, Dr. Hector Ramirez, our neurochemistry expert.” Kay says, as Hector rounds the corner and is revealed to be a person, currently occupying frayed jeans with a ‘He/Him’ pin on the collar of his polo.

Hector nods at him with a frown. “Kay, this is my last load. I have to get ready for -”

“Right, yeah, just - push it inside, I’ll take care of it. I can still -”

“No. I don’t want company.” Hector says, tugging the cart inside the door. “Besides, you’ll be  _ busy. _ ” He adds bitterly, closing the door with unnecessary force.

“I -” They bite back whatever they were going to say. “Alright. I’ll see you tomorrow morning.” They say with a frown as Hector makes his way back down the hall. “Sorry,” They continue, turning back to Hermann, “What was I saying?”

“You haven’t started - your work?”

“No, though I have several initial steps planned. My team has done a lot of work using the PONS system to monitor Drift and individual brain activity, and I think that, along with some more traditional neuroimaging, will start to give us a better picture of -”

“I -” Hermann starts, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I just came down here to see him. Can I still -”

“Oh. That. That’s on the people with guns, that’s not - they haven’t given us any authority over that.  _ I  _ haven’t seen him. So.” They fidget with the collar of their jacket. “Sorry, not much help.”

“That’s - fine. I apologize, I was simply - surprised. I didn’t expect things to change so quickly down here.”

“Well, we’ve got a lot of fast twitch neurons in our department.” They say with a grin. “Sorry. Bad joke.”

They would get along with Newton, he thinks to himself, then amends:  _ will _ get along. 

“Very nice to meet you.” He says. “Again, that is.”

“Oh, right, yes, I should - get back to it.” Kay says. “You - yeah. Right. Thanks!” 

They duck back into their lab  and Hermann goes in search of the security officers.   

\---

Finally, he finds a security guard who will let him in to Newt’s room.

Sometime, he thinks absently as he leans on his cane on the other side of the line of paint, he’ll have to bring another chair in here. He’ll tell the guards when he leaves.

“Hermann!” Newt’s voice says, as his head jolts up from an apparent doze. “Back so soon?”

“I am here to speak to Newton.” Hermann says.

“Aw, Hermann, Herms, buddy,” Newt’s voice says, “Newt’s  _ gone _ . Didn’t leave a forwarding address.”

“I am sure you would like me to believe that, but I am well aware that he is listening.” Hermann says, “Mako’s alive. We found her.” Hermann continues, “She’s back at the base. We wouldn’t have been able to find her without you.”

“Oh. Oh, Hermann. You really think that’s still Mako?” Newt’s mouth smile’s. “Mako’s gone.”

“Like Newton’s ‘not here’?” He says, deadpan. He takes a deep breath. “We brought Mako back, Newton, but you’re the only one who knows what has been done to her. We need your help. She needs your help.” He continues. “There’s a whole team moving down here to help  _ you.  _ All you need to do is keep fighting. And,” He says, “I know you will. Because I know  _ you,  _ Newton Geiszler, and I know full well that you are too  _ damned stubborn  _ to give up.”

There’s a faint hiccup, Newt’s head tilted downward, and Newt’s voice says, “Hermann…?”

There’s a split second where his breath catches in his throat before Newt’s head tilts back up to face him with a cruel smile, and he realizes he’s being toyed with. 

“That was cute. Really! Really something special. Heartfelt,  _ moving _ . Hope springs eternal, and all that. I’m practically tearing up.”

“I’ll be back tomorrow.” He says, and hopes his voice doesn’t shake too badly.   

\---

He does come back the next day, as much as a cowardly part of his brain doesn’t want to. He is surprised to find Liwen Shao in conversation with a guard and another PPDC officials when he arrives. 

He stops, startled, but the conversation clearly seems to be coming to a close. Shao doesn’t see him until she turns around, other officials quickly departing - possibly avoiding him, he considers. 

“Dr. Gottlieb.”

“Dr. Shao.” He says, “What brings you down here?” He asks. ‘Aren’t you supposed to be rebuilding your company?’ He does not ask.

“Our former colleague.” She says, looking at the door to Newton’s room. 

“I was not aware you were becoming involved in Newton’s - case.”

Shao looks at him, her hands very still. “Shao Industry cleans up it’s mistakes.” 

“You consider - what happened, your mistake?”

“I was duped by - what’s in there, for nearly  _ ten years _ . And it nearly ended the world.” Shao says. “I have as much reason as anyone to try to pry free whatever good can come of this.” She grinds the heel of her shoe into the floor. “A team of Shao Industries neuroscientists will be reporting to work the case tomorrow. They will get results.”

Hermann has nothing to say as she turns on her heel to leave.  

\---

“Oh, you ran into her too.” Kay says as they look up from their desk the moment he enters the lab, after one look at his face. “Ugh. You’d think Shao industries would have  _ learned  _ to just let us do our  _ jobs,  _ but  _ no, _ ” They continue mockingly, “ _ we’re  _ the ones who aren’t ‘good enough’, ‘cause no one has any short term memory about who let -” They clam up abruptly, and quickly resume shuffling through projections on their holographic display. The glowing projections only partly obscure the trans pride flag poking out from a cup full of pens, and the small white and red robot figure sitting beside the cup.

Hermann coughs. “Do you know anything about who they are - sending?”

“I haven’t worked with any of them, if that’s what you’re asking - god forbid.” They say, “The lead neuroscientist they’re sending looks good  _ on paper,  _ alright, with her ‘patents’ and her ‘publications in Neuroscience’ and her ‘commitment to data integrity’ and ‘thoughtful commentary on systemic issues in the field’ and her ‘cute haircut’, but rest assured, Dr. Gottlieb,” They continue, shaking a determined finger, “I’ll be watching her  _ like a hawk.  _ If she can’t cut it, if I smell something funny - she’ll be out of here. I won’t stand for it.” They scoff. “Like Shao industries doesn’t have their own problems to worry about instead of … bothering us. I am a little surprised,” They add, “they’re not sending their most senior neuroscientist, given that they’re so intent on being  _ obnoxious  _ about it.”   

Hermann stares. “I would ask if you had any progress to report, but it sounds like you’ve been  _ busy  _ enough reviewing the Shao Industry resumes.”

“Oh no!” Kay says, “The team’s been running through some of the adjustments to our PONS tech, and we’ve been running a new analysis on the scans taken of you and Dr. Geiszler after the last kaiju event - it’s older tech, but it should help us set a baseline.”

“But there hasn’t been - anything new?”

“Not yet - they haven’t figured out how to let us take scans yet, but we did just get preliminary authorization to receive samples, which I think ‘Tor will - well, he won’t be happy about it, but he’ll find it useful. I just need your -”

“My friend is not a  _ lab rat _ , Dr. Easley, and I’d thank you not to talk about him as such.” Hermann snaps. “This is a man’s  _ life, _ not your  _ thesis _ .” 

“You do know I got my PhD like, ten years ago, right?”

“ _ I  _ am concerned that you are not taking this  _ seriously. _ ”

Kay leans over on the desk, their hair falling forward and covering their face. Their hands are gripping the edge of the desk. “Dr. Gottlieb, with all due respect, I’m working on  _ Doctor Newt Geiszler’s  _ **_brain_ ** .” They say, in one long breath. “If I took this any  _ more  _ seriously I’d have to curl up under my desk in  _ sheer terror  _ and do  _ nothing. _ ”

“Ah.” 

Kay stands back up and turns around to a seemingly unrelated set of instruments, facing away from Hermann.

Hermann does some hasty math. “You got your degree ten years ago -”

“Yes, my thesis defense was the same year you two saved the world, yes, I think you’re amazing and you helped inspire me to finish my PhD,” They say in one long breath, deliberately continuing to look at their instruments. “...Please don’t make me say it a third time.” 

“Oh.”

“I’m sure you get it all the time.” They add. “It’s not like the jaeger pilots were the only rock stars of the apocalypse. I’ve still got Dr. Lightcap’s press clippings.”

“What?”

“Oh, I mean, she - and the rest of the original Drift team - they’re what got me into neuroscience, actually.”

“No - I mean - ‘ _ rockstars _ ’.” 

“Oh, yeah,” They fiddle with the collar of their jacket. “I think it’s something Dr. Geiszler said in an interview. Just stuck, I guess.”

“Yes,” Hermann says, hands tight on his cane. “That does sound like him.”

They have a faint, sad smile. “What I meant to ask - for collecting samples, I need your signature on some of the authorization paperwork.”

“I don’t have any authority over your department.” Hermann says, nonplussed.

“No, I meant the medical consent forms.” 

“The what?”

“Dr. Geiszler gave you power of attorney over medical decisions,” Kay says, “I mean, I’m not a legal expert, but as far I’ve managed to get the actual experts to tell me, this does more or less count as a situation where that applies, right?” Their face falls. “You didn’t know?”

“No.” Hermann says, something twisting in his guts, “No, I didn’t.”

“Oh,” Kay says, “Well, it was signed ten years ago, so it - should have been, you know, him, and, well -” They hand him the papers. “Just - er - read over them, and if you have any questions -”

“Thank you.” Hermann says, taking the forms and a step back. “I will send you these documents as soon as I have reviewed them.”

“Thanks,” Kay says, “You’ll be back tomorrow?”

He adjusts his grip on his cane. “Certainly.” 

\---

_ \- release from liability all - _

_ “Dr. Geiszler gave you power of attorney.” _

_ \- both passive and active monitoring are authorized - _

“ _ You didn’t know?”  _

Why hadn’t he known? Why hadn’t Newton said anything?

Nearly ten years, he’d thought Newton had just - walked away. And now - 

He signs the papers.

\---

“ - bringing us donuts!” 

Hermann hear’s Kay’s voice before he even reaches the door.

“Nope. I definitely can. Super bought.” Replies an unfamiliar voice. 

“Traitor.” Kay says, teasing. 

He pushes open the door to see Kay and a colleague standing by a half-empty box of donuts in front of several computer monitors. 

“Oh! Good, we need your brain.” Kay exclaims. 

“Hi. Lupita.” The tall black woman next to Kay shakes her head slightly. She has a ‘she/her’ pin on the pocket of her flannel shirt. “Nice to meet you, Dr. Gottlieb.” 

“Oh right, yeah, this is Lup, electrical engineering and computer science from MIT. No one understands the Drift machinery like she does. She’ll get you set up.”

“I’m - sorry?”

“You’re the closest thing we’ve got to a control sample.” Lupita says.

“We resolved the - well, Lup, really - Lup resolved the old scans of you and Dr. Geiszler so that we can do the best comparison we can with the new system, and we finally got the baseline readings from - Dr. Geiszler -”

“You did?”

“Yes, with your paperwork, and a few other hoops -”

“- and guys with guns shadowing me every time I  _ moved - _ ”

“- we finally got authorization.”

“They’re weird as hell.” Lupita adds, “And -”

“ _ Lup. _ ”

“- I’ve seen every brain scan through here in the past four years.” Lupita informs him. 

“ _ So _ ,” Kay continues, “We have both of you then, and him now, so, for comparison -”

“You need my brain.”

“Right.” Kay says. “We  _ would  _ like to get comparison data from a kaiju brain, but the PPDC  _ destroyed  _ the original sample before we could put in a request for it, so,” They toss their hands in the air.

He doesn’t realize that the mention of ‘Alice’ had so unsettled him until he finds Kay and Lupita looking at him expectantly, gesturing to a chair. He must have missed whatever they had said next.

“Ah. Yes, of course.” He takes a seat, and waits patiently while they slide the helmet onto his head -

_ shrieking shocking blue looming maw hundreds of beetle bright eyes looming crushing nothing nothing nothing you are nothing _

He clenches his jaw. It’s just a memory. A flashback. He -

“Huh.” Lupita says.

Kay frowns. “You alright, Dr. Gottlieb?”

“Fine.”

“Lup?”

“Just - a - second.” Lup says, “There.” Lup says, gesturing at curves on the holographic display. “You can take the helmet off now.”

“So there was a second pattern -” Kay starts, as Hermann removes the helmet

“There was a second pattern in the first scan, and -”

Kay punches the air. “There  _ is  _ a natural decay curve! I  _ knew  _ it!” 

There’s a faint  _ tch  _ from his other side _ ,  _ and Hermann realizes Hector has entered the room, carrying a tray of food and drinks. 

“You doubted me!” Kay spins around and points at Hector.

“I did  _ not _ .”  Hector insists. 

“Did you bring me coffee?” Kay asks. 

Hector sighs and hands it over. “Please tell me you are going to actually try to sleep tonight.”

“You’re a godsend.” Kay says, taking the coffee. “Who’s the food for?”

“You,” Hector says, “You actually do have to eat real food sometime.”

“I ate! I definitely ate. I’m pretty sure I ate.”

“You had a donut,” Lupita chimes in, still fiddling with the curves on the holographic display,  “A sweet, sweet bribery donut.”

“See! I had a donut.” Kay says. Hector sighs and hands them a sandwich, and sets the other one on the desk in front of Lupita, who doesn’t seem to notice it.

“If we’re ready to get back to science,” Lupita teases.

“Right. Hit me, Lup.”

“With that second signal as a model, you can - see -” She waves two curves apart,  “There’s a stronger version of that second signal in the first scan from Dr. Geiszler, and, if you extrapolate that to a stronger signal - like, several orders of magnitude stronger -” She pulls the now exaggerated curve over and up, and superimposes it on a third curve. “It looks remarkably like our most recent scan.”

The two curves - while not a perfect match, as the first is much less detailed - do look remarkably similar. 

“What about the main signal?” Hermann asks. “From the first scan. Newt’s signal. Is there any -” 

“Yeah, I tried that,” Lupita says, shrinking down the first main signal and pulling it over. “Some of it could fit the discrepancies we’re seeing, but there’s so much noise from the first scan, and enough change in the patterns, that I honestly can’t be sure. If it’s there, it’s really weak.”

“It’s there.” Hermann says.

“We’ll find it.” Kay says. Lupita has a tight not-quite-smile on her face as she taps on the desk. Hector crosses his arms. 

“The second signal - the Precursor signal, in the first scan.” Hermann says. “That’s - that’s not supposed to  _ happen.  _ They shouldn’t be able to sustain something like that after a Drift. How did they not see that?”

“Oh, that’s easy. They weren’t as good as I am.” Lupita says. “Seriously, it’s a marvel that I was able to pull out this much detail in the signal now, given the tech they were using.”

“It must be an artifact of how their hivemind works.” Hermann says, half to himself. “They already have the ability to maintain connections…”

“ _ I’ve _ never seen anything like it.”  Lupita says. Kay shakes their head as well.

“If the original signal - Newt’s signal - if that was stronger,” Hermann starts. “Would you be able to see it?”

“I mean, yeah. I pulled out  _ that  _ signal,” She points to the residual signal in the first scan. “From basically crap. With my machines? It would need to be stronger than - whatever’s in here - but not by much. Like, that.” Lupita says, holding thumb and forefinger almost touching. “It’d be something to show the PPDC, at least.”

“To use the technical descriptor.” Hector says, deadpan.

“Hey,” Lupita says, “If you can’t explain it to a seven year old -”

“- you don’t really understand it.” Hector, as well as the voices of several other scientists from outside the room, joins in with Lupita. 

Hermann’s not sure if he should be offended by the comparison.

Kay looks up from where they’d been tapping out nodes on their pad, beaming. “I’ve trained you all  _ so well. _ ”

Hermann shakes his head slightly, trying to clear his head. “Show the PPDC?” He asks.

“At the research plan review.” Kay says, still staring at the screen. They look around when Hermann doesn’t respond. “On Monday?” 

He shakes his head.  

“Wow,” Lupita says, “They really don’t like you these days.”

“ _ I’ll forward you the details. _ ” Kay says hastily. 

“It’s alright. I certainly - wasn’t making any friends down here, before.” 

“So how do we make the signal stronger?” Lup asks. “So we have something to show your not-friends?”

Kay looks over at Hermann.

“Oh, and that’s a valid experimental condition.” Hector says.

“Hey,” Kay says, with a grin. “You’re the one always reminding us that emotions are chemicals and electricity,”

“- and anyone who says different is selling something.” All three of them conclude, together.

“Besides,” Kay adds, “You poked him out of there last time, right? That’s got to be a signal.” 

“If that was really him.” Hector adds. 

Kay frowns.

“You’re assuming that there’s a signal without testing it.” Hector continues, frowning right back.

“But it is a hypothesis worth testing.” Kay says. “C’mon, let’s find someone with a gun who’ll let us hook Dr. Geiszler up again.” 

\---

It’s at least half an hour before he’s actually allowed in with Newt; the setup and the time for the sedative to wear off included.  

Which, all things considered, may be a good thing, because now he has time to steel himself. 

“You can go in now.”

He straightens his collar and adjusts his glasses.

“Hermann!” Says Newton’s voice, his head lolling to one side and a cruel smile on his face. “You’re nothing if not persistent.” 

“I am here to speak to Newton.”

“Oh, is that what all this is for? Did you do this?” Newton’s voice says, rolling his neck around, wires moving with the sensors on his scalp. “Twice in a day, really makes a guy feel special.”

Hermann taps his cane on the floor. “If Newton will  _ not  _ talk to me, will you, please, pass on a message.” 

“See, I don’t know what about this is so hard to understand for you,  _ Newt’s gone _ .  Not out of office,  _ gone _ , no forwarding address,  _ sayonara. _ ”

“As a result of the …  _ incident, _ ” Hermann continues, “The PPDC has seized all of your materials at Shao Industry, your apartment, and all remaining materials at the Shatterdome.”

Newton’s brow furrows a little, confused, perhaps annoyed. 

“‘Alice’ was destroyed, of course.”

Newton’s face twitches a little at that. 

“I am to understand that all of the materials at Shao industry and your apartment are currently under review. It’s clear that possession cleaned up the focus of your work, it’s far less prone to tangents and absurd sidenotes. And of course, none of them have had to deal with your  _ music. _

“Of course, the work at the PPDC is almost entirely going to be destroyed.” 

There, that was certainly a reaction, the way Newton’s eyes widened.  

“I would say it is because most of it is no longer of any use, with the breach destroyed, but really, it was hardly ever valuable. You were never a good enough scientist to make your work clear to anyone but yourself, and half the time I’m not sure you could do even that. I would say your skills were confined to dissection, but that would be saying too much for your ability to dissect something without sending most of it halfway across the room.

“You never could clean up after yourself. Of course you ended up leaving so much of your  _ ‘personal materials’ _ behind with your work. Of course, that’s had to go. Honestly, everything you keep - and it’s not as though it’s organized,  _ really,  _ Newton. What even are you going to do with old concert tickets?”

Newton’s mouth twitches.

“And you never could back things up - and you call my work archaic, really, iPods? Still? Well, those are of no use to anyone, so at least we won’t have to be subjected to the chaos and poor taste you call ‘playlists’.”

“ _ Hey!”  _ Newt snaps. “They can’t do that! Hermann - you  _ asshole! _ ” 

_ There you are. _

Hermann grins.

“Hello, Newton.”

“Hermann! You - you  _ jerk!”  _ And then Newton’s face screws up, his head swings back and lolls down onto his chest.

“Heh,” Newton’s voice huffs. “Well, that was different, wasn’t it?  _ Fun. _ ” It laughs with Newton’s voice. “What  _ will  _ you think up next, Hermann, eh?”

Hermann steps back towards the door, then stops. “We’ve only spoken a few times, I understand that you don’t know me particularly well.” He says. “But you - all of you - are fools if you think I’ll give up on him.”

\---

“-finitely a signal.”

“It matches up with -”

“Yeah. Play it again. Hector, does -”  Kay turns around when Hermann walks into the room. “We got a signal.”

“Right. Yes.” He says, hardly able to look at the graphs without seeing Newton’s eyes, really his, opened wide in -

“Some of us like to take more than two minutes to analyze our data before drawing conclusions.” Hector says, staring at another file on his display on the other side of the room. 

“Some of us don’t need more than two minutes.” Lupita says with a grin. “Sorry you picked squishy chemicals to deal with.”

“You are literally the only person on earth who thinks chemicals are squishy.” Hector says, but there’s less edge to his voice now. 

“So squishy.”

“I think this is enough,” Kay says. “I think this is enough for a start. We’ve demonstrated that Dr. Geiszler’s signal is present, and the information here is more than enough to start a treatment plan. Lup, can you convert those files for me? I can get started -”

“A treatment plan -?” Hermann starts to ask, before Hector cuts him off. 

“That’s a bad idea.”

“Of course you think it’s a bad idea, Hector -”

“I mean trying to extrapolate suppression points will take you at least eight hours, and it’s already getting late. If I finish my analysis of the neurotransmitters we can take some to start the initial slides to explain this to the seven year olds at the PPDC, and then you can go to sleep at a normal human hour and start working on the treatment plan tomorrow.”

“Your impression of my mother gets sharper every day, you know that?”

“Seeing as I know your mother and she’s lovely, I’m going to take that as a compliment.”

“So?” Lup asks.

Kay sighs. “He has a point.” They look up. “Ah, shit. They put Dr. Geiszler back under, right? Lup, you want to - ‘help’ the gun guys take down the measurement equipment?”

“And make sure they don’t break my beautiful tech? You know it.”

“I would be happy to lend my - assistance.” Hermann says.

Hector scoffs, not looking at him. 

“C’mon, don’t be a neuro snob,” Lupita teases Hector. “He knows how to handle PONS tech. You know how to handle PONS tech, right?”

“He knows how to handle PONS tech, don’t be ridiculous, you two.” Kay says. “You don’t have to help, though. You’ve done enough. In there - that was a breakthrough.”

It doesn’t feel like a breakthrough. It feels like a failure. The way Newton’s eyes had narrowed when that alien intelligence had crept up behind them - 

“It would have taken us - a week, probably more, to get something like that by trial and error.”

Lupita  _ hmm _ s. “With  _ my  _ tech? A couple of  _ days _ , more like.” She smiles at him anyway, “C’mon, you’re welcome to lend a hand if you like.”

The guards follow them in to Newt’s room. 

“If you could direct us, ma’am -”

“Oh, don’t tell me we’re going to have to go through this rigmarole every single time I come in here, I just put this up!”

The guards look at each other. Hermann can guess that they weren’t  _ overly  _ reassured by what had happened when he had been in the room before.

“Stand behind me if you  _ have _ to,” She says, then waves a hand at Newton, currently strapped down, sedated, and several inches shorter than her - she has at least an inch or two on Hermann. “I  _ think  _ I could take him.”

With a guard shadowing her, and another one shadowing him, she removes the straps to gently detach the PONS helmet, lifting it off and passing it to Hermann. He feels a sudden surge of fondness at the absurd way Newton’s hair has been thrown into even further disarray by the helmet. 

Lupita removes the tap and the additional sensors from the back of Newton’s head with absolute care, and then pats him absently on the shoulder. “All done,” She says, then shakes her head when she realizes that Newt can’t hear her. “‘Tor’s been trying to get me to have better ‘bedside manner’ ever since I came here. Guess it got to be a habit.”

“Thank you,” He says, as he takes some of the sensors from her to load onto the cart. 

She gives him a half smile. “Short list, you know, of the Trans Science Icons out there. Between me and Kay, we’d already got a good chunk of the list in this building.” She looks at Newton. “We’ve got to stick together.” 

“Of course,” He says.

That had been - after the panic, after he’d regained some semblance of his presence of mind- that had been one of the first things he had considered. The Precursors, of course, had kept up Newton’s testosterone, not wanting to alert anyone to the change in who was controlling Newton’s body, so that was one - one thing that hadn’t been violated, that would be the same when Newton woke up. He’d made sure to check - even as few friends as either he or Newton had at the PPDC right now, the PPDC had Newt’s medical records and were already prepared, he’d been able to be sure  _ that _ would stay the same.

It doesn’t feel like very much, right now. But it’s something. All of it, just one step forward after another, to bring him home.

“Dr. Johnson,” Hermann asks. “How would you feel about wiring this room up with speakers?”

She looks puzzled for a moment, then grins. “Rockstar.” She nods, “Yeah, I’d feel pretty good about that.”

Let the Precursors listen to ‘Newt’s top 50 jams to science to’ playlist for the next 48 hours; Newt would be listening too, and that sounds like a worthwhile step to Hermann.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone who can guess the name of the white and red robot figure on Kay's desk gets a sneak-peek at chapter 4. :D


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there is a powerpoint presentation to the PPDC. Part 2.

There’s a vague sense of unreality as he walks down the hallway to attend the neuroscience team’s presentation to the PPDC officials, and select attendants from the shatterdome at large. 

He doesn’t want to have to care about these people, in their crisp pressed uniforms, who never met Newton, or if they had, would have had no idea who they were talking to. He would rather be back in the lab, where, even as useless as he felt sometimes, something was happening. Even just sitting in the room with Newton, where the hope that he was accomplishing something just by being there may be hollow but it was  _ there _ .

This? These people? 

As much as he knows it matters, it doesn’t feel real.

In spite of that, he’s early, but it’s not as though he has anywhere else to be.

His own name jolts him out of his train of thought, as he gets close to the doors to the presentation hall. 

“Dr.  _ Gottlieb  _ will be there.” He hears Kay’s voice say.

“I stand by what I said.” Hector says.

“More importantly,  _ I’ll  _ be there.” Lupita teases.

“Fair. Kay, you’ll be the  _ second _ smartest person in the room.” Hector says. 

Kay laughs a little. “Okay, okay, everyone’s quadruple-checked their slides, we’re all good, everything’s fine, it’s fine, we’re fine,”

“Of course we’re fine, I wore a  _ suit  _ for this.” Lupita says, mock-affronted.

“Everything’s fine,” Hector teases, “Neuroscience  _ is _ spelled with a ‘y’, right?”

“I hate you,” Kay says, laughing.

“Dr. Gottlieb?” Says a quiet voice from behind him, and he turns around to find Dr. Min Na Chen, the lead Shao Industries scientist. He’s bumped into her around the lab a couple of times previously, but hardly interacted at all with her work. 

She’s holding a tray with coffees and wrapped pastries, and, he notes, a new ‘she/her’ pin on her lapel. 

“My apologies, I did not realize I was quite so early.” He waves her towards the door. “Please. I will just -” He waves a hand vaguely in the direction further down the hall. 

Min Na nods with a soft smile, and pushes open the door. As he wanders down the hall, the conversation from the room follows him. 

“Coffee!”

“No no no,” Lupita says, “Why would you bring them coffee, haven’t you seen them, they’re going to vibrate into the stratosphere at this rate.”

“It’s alright,” Hector says, “I told her to bring decaf.”

“Traitor.”

“I brought you a donut,”

“See, now that’s -”

He ducks into the restroom, out of earshot.

Everything’s fine. It’s fine.

When he makes his way back to the presentation hall, a few others have arrived, a couple of PPDC officers in stiff uniforms, a dark haired man in a pristine suit, and Raleigh and Jake, sitting in the center, a few rows up.

He takes a seat next to Raleigh as other officials file into the room.

“Good morning,” Kay begins. “Thank you all for being here today. I am Dr. Kay Easley, and I’m joined today by my colleagues, Dr. Hector Ramirez, Dr. Lupita Johnson, and Dr. Min Na Chen. We are here this morning to present our initial findings on Dr. Newton Geiszler’s case and our proposed plan for continued research and treatment. 

“To outline our findings, we will first discuss the identification of Dr. Geiszler’s neural activity as separate from that of the Precursors, and our framework for analysis of the precursor activity in Dr. Geiszler’s brain. The key points from these two observations lead naturally to our proposed plan of continued research and treatment.”

The following four slides prove very familiar to Hermann, having been present for much of the collection of the data presented. 

“- not only confirm that this signal  _ significantly _ exceeded the threshold expected by natural variation, but, by comparison with an older sample, we can confirm that this neural activity belongs to Dr. Geiszler. 

“From this, we are able to model the activity we see as similar to activity we see in pilots in the Drift.” They bring up a new set of images, side by side sets of two curves in motion. “On the left, we see Dr. Geiszler’s signal fading as the Precursors regained control of neural activity. On the right, we see a similar struggle between two cadets early in their training. Of course, as both cadets are human, we don’t see the same - erratic nature to the rising pattern. But, if we compare them only in magnitude of activity, and not in the alien nature of the second pattern, we can use the Drift as a functional model for Dr. Geiszler’s mental activity.” 

They move to the next slide, where Hermann sees a familiar image on the left, the data collected while the Precursors were fully in control of Newt’s brain. “On the left is what we see as baseline in Dr. Geiszler’s current readings, full precursor control. The small red line,” They flick and bring up a new layer. “Is Dr. Geiszler’s activity.  On the right, two human pilots, where one pilot has taken full control of the jaeger during an initial test sequence. This data was gathered with older equipment, which accounts for some of the noise in the data.”

Raleigh stiffens next to him - clearly realizing that they are talking about Mako, and her first Drift with Raleigh.

“From this, we ascertain that the activity in Dr. Geiszler’s brain is similar to a fundamentally lopsided Drift, where one partner has, in this case, assumed long term physical control.”

“But -” Interrupts one of the uniformed PPDC officials in the audience, “He isn’t ‘Drifting’, he hasn’t been near any of that equipment. And we destroyed that - thing -”

“Yes, and I do wish you hadn’t, there was valuable data we could have collected from it.” Kay says. “But you are correct, Dr. Geiszler is not in a Drift as we understand it. The fact that the Precursors’ control does not require sustained use of the Drift technology has been clear since before we began our research. The hold on Dr. Geiszler’s brain sustains itself beyond Drifts.” 

“Like bleedover.” Raleigh says. 

“Not exactly,” Kay says, “Bleedover is where Drift partners not only retain memories observed in the Drift, but other aspects of their neural activity as well. Food or music preferences aren’t uncommon, sometimes portions of linguistic familiarity have been known to ‘bleed over’ as well. It’s something I’m sure you’re familiar with, Mr. Beckett.”

“I got Nate’s shitty taste in music,” Jake cuts in when Raleigh doesn’t respond immediately, leaning back in his chair with his arms crossed behind his head.

Hermann thinks about how, after their Drift, Newton’s music didn’t grate on his ears, how he craved takeout from Newton’s favorite hole-in-the-wall Chinese restaurant, how Kaiju blood carried a sense of fascination rather than - 

“And I never used to like Jaffa cakes before,” Raleigh says, to a few chuckles. “They’re a favorite of Mako’s.”

Kay grins and nods. “Exactly. But, like retaining memories, bleedover is not an active connection. If Ms. Mori were to pick up a fondness for, say, chocolate donuts,” They say with a smile and a quick glance to Min Na. “That wouldn’t transfer over to you without a new drift. What we’re seeing here,” Kay says, gesturing to the screen. “Is a continued, active connection. Direct, active control, rather than passive absorption of preferences. We’re calling it a psuedo-drift.”

He hadn’t thought about bleedover. 

That was a lie, he had thought about bleedover, every time he had nightmares of the breach, every time he had nightmares where he saw through too many eyes. He’d thought about that kind of bleedover. 

He hadn’t thought about that for Newton, but now, thinking about what was happening as a Drift, thinking about all the small ways in which he hadn’t come out of his own Drift the same -

Ten years. He would never be the same, he couldn’t.

He looks at the red curve on the graph, Newton’s line, and thinks about the way Newton’s eyes had changed, in that moment when he was himself.

It had to be enough. 

“We see this activity,” Kay continues, switching slides, “in Dr. Gottlieb’s initial scans, at a much lower level, along with Dr. Geiszler’s, immediately after the initial Drift with the infant Kaiju back in 2025. However, the activity is no longer present on Dr. Gottlieb’s scans, suggesting that there is a natural decay to the precursor’s psuedo-drift.”

“So why did he need the damn brain?” Asks another PPDC official. “You’re saying that this doesn’t require real Drift equipment, so why the hell did he still have it hooked up?”

“We hypothesize,” Kay says, “based on the natural decay of the psuedo-Drift in Dr. Gottlieb’s scans, that the Precursors cannot maintain their psuedo-Drift connection with a  _ human _ brain over long periods without regular - tuning, should we say. Like having to retune a radio to the right station. An actual Drift with, in this case, a kaiju brain, strengthens and maintains the connection, allowing the Precursors natural hivemind to incorporate the brain and creating the psuedo-drift.”

“So why isn’t he trying to take over the world?” The official says, pointing back over his shoulder at Hermann, who tries very hard not to flinch, tries very hard to curse, they didn’t know  _ anything,  _ not a goddamn  _ thing about _ \- 

The official continues, oblivious to Hermann’s rage, “Why don’t we have -” 

“As you can see, sir,” Kay cuts in. “The precursor signals in 2025 are very weak, particularly in Dr. Gottlieb. We see more exaggerated activity in Dr. Geiszler’s 2025 scan compared to Dr. Gottlieb’s due to his initial solo Drift, which would be expected to cause significantly more severe neural effects, based on the cases of jaeger pilots who have piloted solo.” They nod towards Raleigh. “The activity we see in Dr. Gottlieb’s 2025 scan would be equivalent to a barely-active Drift partner,” Kay flips back slides, to the scan from Raleigh and Mako’s initial pilot test, “Similar to this activity, here, where this Drift partner was out of sync and did not have control of the jaeger.” Kay continues. “The natural decay curve leads us to the scan of Dr. Gottlieb that we see today, completely absent any Precursor activity.”

“Can you show Dr. Geiszler’s initial scan again, please,” asks a uniformed woman. Kay nods and brings up the slide. “How would you characterize the precursor activity in that graph, by comparison with a Drift pair, Dr. Easley?”

“I would say it’s equivalent to a Drift partner with a very low level of influence, while, again, significantly stronger than the Precursor psuedo-Drift present in Dr. Gottlieb.”

“And can you show us your recent baseline scan from Dr. Geiszler, please.” Kay flips to the screen. “And you would characterize that Precursor presence as completely dominant, yes? It is in control.” 

“Yes, that is our understanding.” Kay says.

“And you said that, based on Dr. Gottlieb’s scans, the precursor presence should naturally decay.”

“Based on a sample size of one, that is our best understanding, yes.”

Hermann’s hands tighten on the cane. He has a bad feeling about where this is going.

“But the precursor signal between Dr. Geiszler’s scans strengthened.”

“Well -”

“And you said that actively Drifting with a Kaiju brain was what strengthens the precursor influence, correct?”

“That was our hypothesis, but -”

“And you agreed with Colonel Linetti that Dr. Geiszler most likely continued to Drift with the Kaiju brain that was present in his apartment -”

“That seemed the logical assumption based on -”

“And you characterized the initial level of Precursor control as minimal, correct?”

“That would be our estimate based on a very simplified comparison to a Drift partner, yes, but we’re still not sure of the level of accuracy of our models given the alien nature of -”

“So at some point,” The PPDC official continues, “Dr. Geiszler voluntarily chose to Drift with a Kaiju a third time.”

“I would be reluctant to speculate on something for which, by nature, it is impossible to collect data for.” Kay says, but there it was. He’d known that since they’d found who - what Alice was. Somewhere along the line, Newt had chosen - with some level of Precursor influence, but a suggestion at most - to Drift with the kaiju alone, again, at least once more, possibly several times before the Precursors had developed full control. 

He does not know which possibility he dreads more: that Newton hadn’t thought to reach out, hadn’t wanted to tell him something was wrong before he had tried to Drift with the kaiju again, or that Newton had been trying to tell him something was wrong and he had been too lost in his own nightmares to notice. 

“We cannot completely characterize -”

“But realistically -”

“I’m not a trial lawyer, ma’am,” Kay says, “I’m here to establish the science, not speculate on timeline and motive. I can tell you that the Precursor presence in Dr. Geiszler’s brain in 2025 was undetectable by - the instruments of the time. I can tell you that will not be repeated with  _ our  _ equipment.” And at that, Lupita smirks. “Without further Kaiju samples, and under observation, the developments from 2025 to the present will not repeat, that I can tell you with confidence. Beyond that, I can’t speculate, given our limited data.”

“So Geiszler should just - get better on his own,” Asks the first official. “is what you’re saying. Because of the - ‘decay curve’.” 

Hermann breathes a sigh of relief at the end of the previous line of questioning.

“Without further Kaiju Drift contact? The pseudo-Drift will decay, yes. However, let me remind you that Dr. Gottlieb’s initial scan showed a much lower level of Precursor activity. We cannot confirm how long it took for the natural decay to take it to the level we see today, it may have been a few months, it may have been five years, it may have been ten. Given the levels we see in Dr. Geiszler today,” They say, Newt’s scans still up on the screen, “Natural decay could lead to recovery in a year or two, or not for decades, and if I had to make an educated guess, sir, I would lean closer to decades.”

“And what do you propose instead?”

“In our work developing systems for Jaeger cadets, we’ve worked significantly on building systems to break pilots out of Drifts that have become unbalanced or chased the RABIT. Based on our knowledge of the precursor patterns, we believe we can adapt this technology to bring down Precursor activity and eventually shut down the psuedo-Drift. We are aided substantially,” Kay continues, “by the fact that Dr. Geiszler is actively trying to get out of the psuedo-Drift,” Kay clicks back to the graph of the signal, where Newt had come through. “Even though his activity has been severely suppressed, we have still observed this key instance that indicates that Dr. Geiszler is still an active Drift participant.”

“Dr. Gottlieb,” Another official, one he recognizes from having argued with her before. “Suggests that drifting with Dr. Geiszler could reduce or eliminate the Precursor control. Do you find that to be supported by your data?” She asks, a skeptical bent just this side of snide in her tone.

Kay carefully doesn’t look at him. “It’s true that a third Drift partner can have a stabilizing impact on the Drift. Dr. Gottlieb’s hypothesis is not entirely improbable, but it seems unlikely that a single Drift would be enough to stabilize the severe imbalance and instability we see here. Given the establishment of a Precursor psuedo-Drift from a single instance, there would be a risk to pursuing it as a strategy. I would avoid any additional exposure to the Precursors until we exhaust other options. Our monitoring capabilities would limit the risk, but I don’t see it as necessary to subject someone else to that.”

The official nods, and Hermann tries to keep simmering anger from his expression. Like he gives a damn about risk when -- 

“Dr. Easley,” Says the dark haired man in the pristine suit, with a polished Australian accent quite unlike Herc’s. “I just have one question for you and your team: How do you believe that the PPDC should justify to the public the continued expenditure of resources on a man who was responsible for the deaths of so many people, and nearly for our own destruction?”

He doesn’t bother to try and keep anger from out of his expression any more.  _ ‘Responsible’ _ ? He - 

Kay doesn’t look at the question asker. Kay looks at Hector, and then quickly back to the slides. “Well, given the evidence I’ve presented,” Kay says, gesturing to the slide illustrating Newton’s brain activity against the Precursors, and Hermann can feel a sympathetic spike of anger driven by scientific pride, the anger of anyone asked a question clearly posed by someone who hadn’t been paying the slightest attention to the presentation. “It is readily apparent that Dr. Geiszler is and was not in control of his actions, now or during the incidents you’re describing. As I said, I’m not a lawyer, and certainly no legal expert, but I’d certainly be happy to testify as an expert to that effect in a court of law, or the court of public opinion. If the public wants to point fingers, point them directly where they belong, at the Precursors. Dr. Geiszler is as much a victim of them as anyone affected by the attack.”

Kay looks at Hector again. “If there was anything I could do, any experiment I could run, any money I could spend, that could bring someone killed in the attack back, I would do it. I can’t. This is the only opportunity I have to save not one, but two people who have been attacked by the Precursors. 

“I don’t think I need to remind any of you that, given the bleedover,” Kay nods towards Raleigh, “from the Precursors, as well as his own expertise, Dr. Geiszler has the best chance of anyone living of bringing Ms. Mori out of stasis intact. And if you want to strike back where the blame belongs, well, he has the best chance of being able to tell you how to do that too.”

“I became a neuroscientist because I wanted to learn about the Drift and help save the world. Ms. Mori, Mr. Beckett, Dr. Gottlieb, and Dr. Geiszler -” They look at Raleigh and Hermann as they say their names, and Hermann feels a surge of warmth for the familiar determination in their eyes. “- they did. I’m here to do whatever I can to help them, I just need you to let me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter Next Sunday!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which science is a process, sometimes a difficult one

Hermann stops and leans against the wall as soon as the door shuts behind him.

He shouldn’t have expected it to work on the first time. He hadn’t. He had been prepared.

But the way Newt’s face had twisted in a snarl at - 

He was fine. He was absolutely fine. 

He tilts his head back against the wall, letting himself lean into the solidity of the cement.

It had been two days since the presentation; more than a day for deliberations and arguments before Kay had finally gotten their authorization; hours to prepare the first test.

Hardly any time at all, and yet it felt so long to wait, just to see - 

\- to see him, his eyes, really his eyes, for just a moment, and then the snarl, the way he had moved before there had been a shout and he had slumped over, a pump remotely activated to pump sedative into his IV.

This was how science worked. Newt would be the first to tell him that you couldn’t learn without failure, that hypotheses were made to be revised, experiments made to be redesigned. 

Hermann is fine. 

He’ll just wait here until his hands stop shaking. 

\---

When he finally makes his way towards the half-open door to the neuro lab, he hears shouting. 

He recognizes Hector’s voice first. “ - hundred times that this wasn’t going to work -”

“It was our  _ first trial _ ,” Kay returns,” if it had  _ worked  _ it would have been -”

“And you’re going to say that about our second trial, yes? And our third trial, and -”

“What is your  _ point _ ?

“My  _ point  _ is that we are wasting our  _ time  _ with -”

“For fuck’s sake, Hector, not this again -”

“There are  _ real people  _ who need  _ our help -  _ we have  _ actual work  _ that is  _ needed,  _ not just -”

“I don’t know when you last checked, but I see an ‘actual person’ in  _ there! _ ”

“Really? Because everyone seems so happy to tell  _ me  _ that it’s not r _ eally _ ‘Doctor Newt Geiszler’ in there, it’s  _ really  _ the aliens ‘possessing’  him that killed -”

“And what? You think what’s on there is some kind of  _ fluke _ ? You think everything we’ve presented is  _ wrong _ ? You see that kind of brain activity a lot in  _ human  _ research,  _ Doctor Ramirez? _ ”

“I’m saying -”

“You’re telling me you don’t see any difference between these -”

“I’m saying that all those officials -  _ they had a fucking point. _ One guy drifts with a kaiju and comes out the other side, and the other guy drifts with a kaiju and tries to murder the whole world, you get a -”

“You can’t compare -”

“He kept one of their brains in his  _ house!  _ He drifted with it, even you admit- _ ” _

“And  _ Mako Mori _ is  _ alive  _ two floors up, are you telling me that would have happened without -”

“A goddamn  _ kaiju experiment _ is up there, for all we know that thing’s a sleeper agent just like -”

“ _ What the hell do you want me to do?!  _ You want me to ignore every scrap of data here that tells me there’s a  _ person  _ trapped in there who  _ needs us _ ? You want me to go tell the Marshal that we’re giving up because my neurochemist didn’t like the results of our first trial?”

“I want you to admit that we’re wasting our time on a  _ monster _ ! But you won’t. And I don’t know if it’s worse that it’s because you’ve got a bad case of hero worship or that you’re incapable of giving up on impossible problems.”

“Alright, I think you both need to  _ calm down.”  _ Lupita cuts in.  _ “ _ It’s been a bad day, and -”

“Bad day?  _ Bad day?  _ You think  _ this _ is a  _ bad day?  _ Because  _ I  _ had to reevaluate what a ‘ _ bad day’ _ was when  _ he  _ -”

“Hector -”

“ _ \- murdered my brother!  _ And let me tell you,  _ this doesn’t compare. _ ”

“So  _ what do you want? _ ” Kay asks,  __ You’ve refused leave, you’ve refused transfer. I want to know, Hector, what do you  _ want?  _ Are you here because you want this project to  _ work?  _ Or would you rather Newton Geiszler were just  _ dead?  _ Would one more person killed make -”

_ “Yes I do!  _ Yes I do. And you know what? Most of this base - most of the  _ world  _ is with me.  _ Everyone _ here lost someone because of  _ him.  _ Tell me why he deserves to be alive. Come on,  _ tell me!  _ Thousands of people are dead and you’re asking me if I wish he was too?  _ Yes I do! _ ”

“... Dr. Gottlieb?” Min Ya’s voice is very quiet.

He must have made a sound, and not noticed it. There’s quiet Filipino cursing on the other side of the door. 

“I apologize,” He says, stepping in around the door. “I did not mean to -” But he doesn’t know how to finish that sentence. 

Kay buries their face in their hands, while Min Ya looks quietly uncomfortable from her chair, avoiding his gaze almost as though she expects him to burst into tears, which is a concerning indictment of the state of his expression. Lupita doesn’t look at him at all, but looks at Kay and bites her lip.

And Hector looks at him in angry defiance, as though daring Hermann to ask him to take a single word of it back. 

“We - we have the data we need.” Kay says, pinching the bridge of their nose. “I - apologize, Dr. Gottlieb, but I think it would be best if we reviewed the data tomorrow. We - we can let you know when we -” They sigh, and curse under their breath.

“We will notify you when we have conclusions to present.” Min Ya says, with all apparent calm as she stands, stepping towards him as though to nudge him back through the door.

“Why did you refuse to transfer?” Hermann asks Hector. 

“ _ I _ know who my team is.” Hector says. “I’m  _ not _ turning my back on them.”  

Hermann nods. “I’ll - leave you to your work, then.” He says, stepping back towards the door. 

He doesn’t make it halfway down the hall before he hears Kay jogging after him.

“Dr. Gottlieb!” 

He stops and turns around. 

“I’m sorry. I’m - I’m sorry.” They say, slightly out of breath. 

“It’s -” It’s not fine. “I - appreciate your apology, but you have nothing to apologize for.”

“It’s my division.” Kay says. “Are - are you going to ask Marshal Pentecost to transfer Hector?”

“No?” He says, taken aback. “Unless you believe I should. If he has -”

“No, no, I don’t - he’s the best neurochemist we have. We couldn’t do this without him.” They say. “And - he’s right. We’re a team.”

Hermann nods. 

“I am sorry. That - it won’t happen again.”

“I appreciate the thought, Dr. Easley, but I am quite sure it will.” He sighs. “I have been - so focused on the - problem at hand, that I’ve - forgotten about the experiences of others, surrounding the - incident.”

The PPDC officials - he had expected that, he was used to disagreement from them on anything and everything, though not usually so directly. It was different when it came from someone who was actually a  _ part  _ of the Shatterdome -

\- from someone who actually  _ had  _ lost someone.

It will happen again. If they manage to get Newt out, if he ever leaves that room - Hector is the least of what’s waiting for him.

He feels his stomach churn. 

Kay frowns, but doesn’t contradict him. “Thank you,” They say, finally. “For not - thank you.” 

He wonders if Jake still has any of those liquor bottles. 

\---

He doesn’t find Jake. Jake finds him, a few days later. 

“C’mon,” Jake says, stopping him before he calls the elevator. “You need to see the sun sometime, mate.”

They end up sitting out on the jaeger deck, where the sun is indeed shining out over the water. Jake is right, it’s been too long since he’s seen it - been too long since he’s seen anything but grey basement walls or the ceiling of his apartment in the middle of the night.

Jake passes him a bag of something deep fried and he takes it without thinking. 

“So… how’s it going?” Jake asks. “Because it kinda looks like you’ve been getting dragged through the mud.” Which is rather something coming from a man who  _ also  _ looks like he hasn’t slept in the past week - or two. 

“There has been - progress.” Hermann says. 

“You think it’s going to work?” 

_ “And you’re going to say that about our second trial, yes? And our third trial, and -” _

“Yes,” Hermann says, “I have - I have not seen any reason to believe the underlying theory is incorrect, and - and the progress with this particular avenue of treatment appears to be an issue of - degree, and not of kind.”

“That’s good?”

“It’s - promising, yes.”

“Alright then.” Jake looks at him. “Man, you really needed a break, huh?”

Which is a concerning indictment of his - whatever. He tries to relax his shoulders a little, and rubs the heel of his palm against his aching leg. He looks at Jake. “I could say the same of you.”

“Fair enough.” Jake says. “I get it. I want - I really want to see my sister out of that pod, you know?”

_ “A goddamn kaiju experiment is up there, for all we know that thing’s a sleeper agent just like -” _

“But we can’t get anything done if everyone’s burning the candle at both ends all the damn time, right?” Jake continues. “Wouldn’t do us any good to have you out of commission too. ‘S why we share the load.” He laughs, “God, I’m going to start sounding like my dad at this rate.”

“He’d be very proud,” Hermann says, “if - if that counts for something.”

“Yeah. It does.” Jake says. “It’s a lot, you know? But the team here’s good. Nate’s good. And Jules. And Raleigh and Herc, they really know this stuff. And the cadets,” He smiles, “they’re ready for anything, yeah? ‘Mara’s sharper than I was when I was that tiny, that’s for sure,”

Hermann smiles. 

“And those neurosci folks, they really know their stuff.” Jake continues. “Jules works with - ah, what’s her name, Lupita? On like, conn-pod stuff, and she’s got nothing but good things to say about her. They’re a good team to have your back.”

_ “Thousands of people are dead and you’re asking me if I wish he was too? Yes I do!” _

“They are very capable.” Hermann says.

“You can’t do it alone.” Jake says, “Seriously, man, you need to get some sleep.”

“So do you.” Hermann says.

“Now  _ you  _ sounds like my dad.” Jake laughs.

“Jake!” They both turn around to see Amara waving at Jake from the other side of the platform. 

“I gotta go,” Jake says.

“Jake,” Hermann says, as Jake stands up. “We will get her out of there.”

“I know.” Jake says, with half a smile as he goes. 

Hermann stares at the water. Then, slowly, he stands upright, and takes one more look before making his way down to the basement.  

\---

Min Na’s voice carries just outside the door as Hermann makes his way into the basement. “ - what if you targeted the points here and here separately?” 

“I’m good, but I don’t have that level of sensitivity.” Lupita says.

“What we really need is more widespread, sustained suppression across the frontal cortex, but I don’t know how to do that without frying  _ his  _ signal too.” Kay says. 

“What if you turned down the overall intensity?” Min Na says, “That could allow you to get the sensitivity you need, and have a more sustained pulse without -”

“- without frying his signal.” Kay says as Hermann makes his way into the lab. “That’s brilliant.” They say, and Min Na smiles. “Dr. Gottlieb! Perfect timing, Min Na just came up with a new strategy for us.”

“‘Thank you, Lup, for totally altering the signal intensity of a highly complicated technical work of genius to be able to do this at all,” Lupita teases.

“Sorry, Lup, how long do you need?” Kay looks between both of them. “How much do you think we need to lower it by?”

“Don’t worry about it, I’ve got this, I’m just messing with you. Give me - oh, twenty minutes to do some modelling of that, fifteen minutes for the rewiring. Y’know, if you want to get coffee, take your time, I’ll be done before you can say -”

“Double shot cappuccino?”

“ _ Thank you.  _ And I’d love a chocolate chip muffin.”

“You got it.” Kay says, pulling on their coat.  “Min Na, you want anything?”

“Just my usual,” She says to Kay, then turns back to Lupita, “Let me get some of the other modellers on this, so you can run things in parallel,” 

Lupita turns to Hermann as Min Na exits, “You don’t have to hang around for this; we can let you know when we’re ready to test.” She says with a half smile. 

“I -” And he very abruptly realizes there is nothing for him to do here. Even though his modelling work might be relevant, he didn’t have enough familiarity with the application to be of as much use as another neuroscientist, from the PPDC or from Shao. “Yes, thank you.”

He stands up from his chair and steps away, and it is just as quickly filled by another researcher. 

\---

It’s a little over an hour before he returns to Newton’s room.

_ “Tell me why he deserves to live.”  _ Hector’s voice says in his head.

_ It’s not him.  _ Hermann tells himself, as he opens the door again. 

“You’re late!” Newton’s voice says. “I was starting to wonder if we were going to miss today’s  _ chat _ . Tell me, what science project do the kids have for dear Newton today?”

Hermann pulls up his chair and sits down. 

“Dr. Gottlieb,” Kay’s voice comes on over the speakers, “We’re about to start the test.”

“Aw, they are stubborn.” Newton’s voice says. “They really think they can tame the  _ monster  _ in the room, huh?

_ “- we’re wasting our time on a monster!” _

“If you would stop wasting your time trying to play with monsters -”

He’d said that to Newton once. 

“They’re not  _ monsters,  _ Hermann,” Newt had said, “Besides, monsters are always misunderstood. There’s nothing more scientific than trying to understand the misunderstood.”

He misses arguing with him.

“Oh,” Newton’s voice says, looking up with his left eye bloodshot. “That tickles. That is - interesting. Hermann - you - what are they doing - Hermann - no - no,  _ you  _ shut up, asshole, I’m - hah -” Newt’s head tilts as far back as it can in the restraints, laughing. “Hermann - Hermann, whatever they’re doing, you gotta tell them not to stop.”

“That’s his signal,” Kay says over the speakers.

“Okay, Newt, okay, you just gotta stay with me. Just keep talking.”

“Thanks - for the music.” Newt stutters out, “Glad - you didn’t really get rid of it.”

“Of course I didn’t, Newton, of course I didn’t.”

“You always hated it.”

“It’s grown on me.” Hermann says, and music starts playing over the speakers, and he silently thanks Lupita or Kay, whoever had thought to put it on.

“Yeah - yeah! That’s the stuff!” Newt laughs. “Rock on!” He laughs, almost a choking sound. “Fuck, Hermann, why the hell’re you doing this?”

“We’re going to help you.” Hermann says, “We’re going to get them out of your head, Newton, we’re -”

“Me - Hermann, you gotta help Mako, where is she? Where -?”

“We need you, Newton. She needs you. I need -”

“Oh, come on!” Hermann starts before he realizes Newt’s looking at the wall. “Don’t - come on, you gotta help me here!”

Hermann looks at the cameras, but music’s still playing from the speakers. 

“No - shut the  _ fuck  _ up, I swear - no - she’s - you - stop it. We don’t - don’t - don’t think it will be that easy.” Newton’s face grins. “Fun though.”

“Why did you  _ stop? _ ” Hermann yells towards the camera.

“We didn’t.” Lupita’s voice answers. “The Precursor signal just - came back. We’re still running the suppression. I’ll - I’m sorry.”

“Aw, that’s  _ cute. _ ”

“I’m sorry.” Hermann says, and Newton’s voice  _ laughs. _

_ “Tell me why he deserves to live.” _

_ “I know who my team is. I’m not turning my back on them.” _

I’m not turning my back on  _ him. _

Hermann doesn’t look away.

\---

“- we need,” Min Na is saying when he reenters the lab, “Is more coordination between the neurochemical and electromagnetic aspects of the treatment. Look at this -” She says, pointing to Hector’s screen, “We’re losing concentration here just as we’re getting to the signal levels we want,”

Hermann leans heavily on his cane. 

He’s - exhausted, he realizes suddenly.

“Yes, and the only way to keep them higher would be to keep flooding his brain,” Hector says, “And let me tell you -”

_ “Yes I do!” _

“But if we improved the delivery system -”

“How? Seriously, how? The system’s already optimized, short of making the chemical interactions  _ magically  _ turn back on, we -”

“We can.” Kay says suddenly, and dives for a tablet. “I read all of your papers before you came here - you worked on -” They say to Min Na, “- nanoparticle delivery systems, in -”

“Yes -” Min Na says. 

“Holy shit, you mean I get to work with more nanotech? Hello, new best friend.” Lupita says to Min Na. 

Kay shoves the tablet at Hector.

“That could - but how - “ He looks up at Min Na.

“The structures can be designed to react in a certain timeframe, so -”

“We’d have to be awfully precise with the signal timing, and his brain would have to -”

“What if it reacted to his brain?” Kay says, “What if we could make it react to the signal?”

“The data we pulled from the first signal - when we weren’t testing experimentally - the chemical data - if we modelled around that environment.” Hector says. “Can you even engineer a nanoparticle with that level of specificity? Is that even  _ possible _ ?”

“I don’t know.” Min Na admits. “But I can try.”

“Then let’s try.” Kay says.  “... Dr. Gottlieb?”

\---

He finds Raleigh with a tray of food in the corner of his lab.

“Sorry,” Raleigh says with a sheepish grin, “Seemed like it’d be quieter in here.”

He sets his own tray down. “I understand.”

“You alright?”

“I’m useless.” He says, and it feels like a relief to say it out loud. 

“Yeah, tell me about it.” Raleigh says.

He looks at Raleigh, and imagines that, if he looked in a mirror, he’d see the same shadows under his own eyes. 

“I don’t -” He starts to say, then stops. “It’s hard. Just - to watch. I go in, and I try to talk to him, and maybe I see him for - for a moment, for a minute even, and then I have to watch  _ them _ take back over, I have to watch him - I don’t -”

He hadn’t realized how fast the words had come tumbling out, when he let them.

“At least you’re in the room.” Raleigh says. “They won’t let me see Mako for more than an hour a day anymore. At least he’s -” And Raleigh stops himself. “I’m sorry, that was -”

“It’s alright.” Hermann says. 

“No, it’s not.” Raleigh says. “I -  _ am _ sorry. I don’t know what I would do if it was -” He sighs, lets out a humorless huff of laughter. “I was never good in school. Me or Yancy. I know that. But - there’s a part of me that just keeps thinking - what if I had worked harder? What if I had been - what if I had been good enough to be - a doctor, or - someone like Newt, and I knew how the kaiju worked, maybe I could -”

“I know,”

“Yeah,” Raleigh says skeptically.

“Right now, part of me is wishing I could kick my undergraduate self into studying neuroscience,” Hermann says, “Or - or even do physics work on nanoparticles. I -” He sighs.

Raleigh just looks at him. 

“I - I can understand some of the information they present in there, when they visualize it. It’s not as though I’m unfamiliar with the PONS system. The numbers - the physics, the modeling, I can understand all of that. But I’m not a neuroscientist, I don’t - the brain, chemistry, I don’t understand any of that.” 

He associates chemistry with Newt, he realizes suddenly - not that chemistry was Newt’s speciality, but he’d understood it as a biologist, in learning about the chemistry of the kaiju blue, in understanding how to preserve and contain kaiju specimens.

And then he thinks of a kaiju brain in a jar, and stops that train of thought.

“I - I’m playing - ‘catch-up’, at best. I suppose I could say it’s not something I’m accustomed to.” He adds, and Raleigh laughs. “I - it feels like I’m back in - in one of the old shatterdomes, when there was a kaiju attack. The jaeger pilots,” He nods towards Raleigh. “Go out, and there’s nothing I could do to make sure they came back.” He sighs. “At least then I could - I could keep working, and - and hope that was going to lead to an eventual solution.”

“And it did.”

“And so did you.”

“Guess it worked out that we ended up where we did, yeah?”

Hermann smiles. “Jake was talking to me the other day, about - about not ‘going it alone’.”

“He’s a good kid,” Raleigh says, then laughs. “God, when did I get this old?”

He thinks about Dr. Easley, and the neuroscience team, all more than a decade younger than him, and yet - nearly the same age he and Newt had been, last time.

“I guess we just have to trust the kids, huh?”

Hermann looks down at his cane. “I certainly would not consider myself to be out of the game just yet.” He says. “And you - Mako is going to need her Drift partner before this is all over, I am sure of that.”

“And Newt is going to need his.” Raleigh says, “Seriously, the first time he broke through was to tell us about Mako. I know he’s trying to do the same to talk to you.”

He tries to smile and doesn’t quite manage it. “I do trust them,” he says, standing up. “The kids, I mean.”

“Hey, that’s something,” Raleigh says. “C’mon, let’s go find some sun.”

\---

It’s been five minutes. 

Five minutes on test number - he doesn’t know the test number. He’s lost track of the number of tests there have been. Which isn’t entirely surprising, given that he’s not entirely sure what day it is. 

What day it is isn’t important. Two things are important: one, that it has been five minutes since Newt took control of his own body - almost twice as long as he’s sustained control on any of the previous tests; and two - Newt is crying. 

“You’ve - you’ve got to make it stop - you’ve got to make them stop, We can’t - I can’t keep doing this, Hermann, We’re not - I’m not strong enough, We can’t keep - Hermann, please don’t let them take us back, We can’t - I can’t do it again, I can’t, We need -”

“You are strong enough,” Hermann says, “I know you are, you’re Newt Geiszler, you’re still here, you’re right here, Newton, I’m not letting you go, you just have to keep fighting. Just keep talking, okay, I’m right here.”

“I’m so - I’m so tired, Hermann, I - I can’t - you gotta let me - fuck, is this what it’s like, drifting solo, it feels like it, is - blood, is there blood?” He moves his hands up against the restraints as though he’s forgotten they’re there.

“Can you - can you hear them? Are - are the precursors still - in the Drift?” He says, half glancing at the cameras. 

“We - I can’t, they’re - we’re - they’re not - Hermann, why - fuck, Hermann, how many - how many people did we kill - how - how many - Mako, we tried, but - how many?”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“Oh, god,” He hiccups, “Hermann, just - just tell us.”

Hermann swallows. “Between the base and - and the city - the estimates are - are in the hundreds.”

“God. Oh, god, we -” Newt’s sobbing, if he’s saying anything Hermann can’t make it out. “Hermann - Hermann, don’t let them stop -” He jerks his head towards the wall. “They - we - you have to stop them, they aren’t going to stop, you can’t - you can’t let them have a second - don’t let them stop, please, Hermann, we can’t do this again -”

“It’s still his signal,” Kay says over the speakers. “We’re - we’re not seeing any precursor signal returning. It’s - the signal’s stable.”

“I’m right here. I’m right here. Just hang on. Keep talking to me, Newton, it’s alright, just keep talking.”

“We don’t - I can’t - there’s so much - fuck, Hermann, we almost killed you, don’t - you - you don’t -”

He can almost feel the grip around his neck, like an echo. “It wasn’t your fault.” He says. “It wasn’t your fault. I saw you, Newton, it’s okay. I know.”

“No it’s fucking not, Hermann, it’s not even - we - hundreds of - we killed them - we almost - we almost - everything, Hermann, we almost killed Mako - almost killed you - we wanted to - ” He strains against the restraints and  _ sobs _ , half a howl, and Hermann -

Hermann steps over the paint line on the floor.

“Don’t -” Newton starts, but Hermann ignores him, walks all the way across the room and grabs Newt, one hand on his shoulder, one hand on the back of his neck, careful not to disturb the equipment, just high enough that he could feel the ends of his hair, grown scruffy, and holds on to him. 

“I’ve got you.”

And the door slams open to shouts from the security guards, and there’s yelling from the loudspeaker, but Newt leans as close as the restraints will let him, close enough that Hermann is sure there are tears on his shirt, and twists one hand around to hang on to Hermann’s jacket, hanging on -

\- until Hermann is pulled away. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Newt comes back, but he's not yet out of the woods.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is all 'the last chapter', but it ended up ... well, much longer than I expected, so I split it up into three for the sake of readability. Enjoy!

It hurts. 

It didn’t hurt like this before. Or he didn’t feel it before, Newt isn’t sure - isn’t sure if the pain has gotten worse the longer he’s been in control - it feels like ages, keeping hold like this - or if all the times before he hadn’t noticed how bad it was because he was too panicked, too terrified of being dragged back under.

He’s still terrified, he’s been through this too many times, spent too long under the weight of the hive mind, knows their - their horrifying strength too well - not to be terrified. 

But he’s also exhausted. 

His body is - so much, so much more than the tiny sliver of his own mind that he’d been able to control. His eyes, his voice, his hands - he’s almost grateful for restraints, so that he doesn’t have to control  _ more  _ of this - this behemoth. The expanse of his whole mind - he remembers standing in the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum, when he was just a kid, staring at the control panel that the Apollo astronauts had run and being overwhelmed at the number of switches and controls one human was supposed to be able to monitor, to control. His brain - his brain feels like that right now.   

He can’t do this again. 

He can’t do this again, it has to stop - they, the hivemind, it all - it all has to stop. He’s not - he’s not strong enough for the fucking ridiculous - loop that he’s trapped in, like he’s stuck in some terrible mockery of a video game level where he keeps lasting longer against the final boss each time but he can’t win and he can’t stop playing and he hates this game, he hates it, he needs it to stop, he can’t keep losing, he can’t keep being dragged back under and watching this - this thing tear into Hermann, he can’t - he’s not strong enough to feel that again, he can’t do it, he can’t do it again -

\- and he doesn’t know how much of this is coming out of his mouth, because his mouth is another part of him that’s so overwhelming to control, he’s been stuck with only his thoughts for so long he doesn’t remember how to formulate them into anything else, not how to talk, not without so much, so much effort, he’d had to try so hard to tell them about Mako, to try and make them understand, and even to talk to Hermann, even a little, just to push those scattered thoughts out, because his thoughts go faster than his mouth, they always have, there’s always been too much and now he doesn’t know how, he can’t do this  -

“You are strong enough,” Hermann says, but he’s not, there are tears streaming down his cheeks and he’s not strong enough, he’s not, if he was none of this would have ever happened, “I know you are, you’re Newt Geiszler,” and he can’t, he can’t control his tears, just at hearing Hermann say his name, and Hermann trusts too much, it’s stupid, he’s stupid, they’re both stupid but he can’t stop,  “you’re still here, you’re right here, Newton, I’m not letting you go, you just have to keep fighting. Just keep talking, okay, I’m right here.”

So he has been talking, at least, that’s happening, that’s a thing, though he doesn’t know what he’s been saying but he’s been saying it, it’s him, he’s - he’s piloting this - this absurd thing and he’s so tired, it hurts and he’s so tired, he needs to rest, they have to let it stop, they have to let it stop, he can’t do this - he’d never understood why they couldn’t make piloting solo work but his body feels as massive as a jaeger, and if it feels like this, if this - is this what it feels like? Is his brain breaking down, is there blood on his face, could he tell amidst the tears? His brain’s already broken down, it’s already broken down -

“Can you - can you hear them? Are - are the Precursors still - in the Drift?”

He almost laughs - or he does he doesn’t know - because there, they were thinking - they were thinking along the same lines, about it being like piloting, so maybe he’d understand - that Drift compatibility, their Drift compatibility, it ran deep, and Hermann would understand that he can’t do this alone, that they couldn’t do this alone, and he is alone, they aren’t screaming and trying to crawl back they’re - the hive mind - it’s not there, it’s not there, for what seems like so long, and Hermann - he doesn’t understand what Hermann is doing, he doesn’t understand  _ why  _ Hermann is doing it, because Doctor Geiszler has been a Precursor for so long, because he’s tried to end the world, and he needs to know, Hermann, he needs to know how many they killed, he killed, them, we, together, how many are dead, because he tried to kill Mako, because he tried to kill Hermann, we’d tried so hard but he still doesn’t know how many are dead, he has to know how many, he has to know why 

“It wasn’t your fault.”

Oh, god, that’s - that’s stupid and of course it’s his fault of course it is they’d done it hadn’t they and that means it’s bad Hermann’s face means it’s bad, but of course he knew it was bad it was bad he tried to end the world he’d almost killed Mako he’d watched people die through so many eyes he’d watched and he just needs to know, Hermann, he just needs to know, he just needs Hermann to tell him, just tell them, just tell, why won’t Hermann tell him he needs to know and he can’t stop crying -

“Between the base and - and the city - the estimates are - are in the hundreds.”

God - god it’s worse than he thought, they did - hundreds, he can’t - they were - there were supposed to be  _ shelters,  _ he did this, how was he supposed to - how could Hermann even  _ look  _ at them, after what they’d done, he can’t stop - he can’t stop crying, but it’s him crying, and he can feel it, really feel it, with his whole brain his own and on fire, and he can’t let them have it again, he can’t, he can’t let them try again, they - Hermann, they can’t stop doing - whatever they’re doing that keeps the hive mind out of his head, because if they get back in it could happen again, they have to stop the hivemind, they have to stop him, because they aren’t going to stop coming, they are going to keep trying, he’s going to keep playing through this unwinnable level because they’ll never stop and if they have a second chance they’ll do it, they’ll keep learning, and he needs to stay in his own head no matter how much it hurts because the alternative is so, so much worse, they have to keep him in his head, they can’t stop, Hermann can’t stop, because he can’t do this again because it’ll only be harder the next time and he can’t do this again -  

“It’s still his signal,” He hears the voice from the loudspeakers say, “We’re - we’re not seeing any precursor signal returning. It’s - the signal’s stable.” And he’s still sobbing, he can hardly breathe for the relief - 

“I’m right here.” Hermann says, and Newt believes him, “I’m right here. Just hang on. Keep talking to me, Newton, it’s alright, just keep talking.”

He’s still talking but he doesn’t know where to start, he can’t even begin to find a beginning, he knows - he has to fix Mako, he has to do that, he has to stay in his own head to do that, but there’s so much to say to even begin to start, and he hasn’t - he hasn’t even begun to make a start, and there’s - there’s so much more than that he needs to say, he needs to apologize to Hermann a million times, no, fuck, a billion times, he almost killed him, fuck, he can still remember what it felt like, even distant, even shallow, to have his fingers wrapped around Hermann’s neck, and he is so, so grateful for his restraints, for the paint line across the floor that Hermann is on the other side of, like the one that divided them in their lab, and he doesn’t  - he doesn’t know how Hermann can stand there, when he doesn’t have to, when he can’t possibly - 

“It wasn’t your fault.” Hermann says. “It wasn’t your fault. I saw you, Newton,” And he can’t stop crying because it’s - god - was it worse for Hermann to know that he was in there and he couldn’t stop it, he couldn’t stop it, he should have been able to but he only had words, he couldn’t even stop his own  _ hands - _ “it’s okay. I know.”

No, no it’s fucking not okay it’s not okay, it will never be okay that he did that and Hermann should understand that, it’s not even the only - it’s not even the beginning, they’d killed hundreds of people, they’d done that, they’d killed them and they’d almost ended the world, ended everything, Herman needed to understand that they’d almost killed Mako, they’d almost killed  _ him _ , how can he even stand there when they’d wanted to kill him and Mako and the shatterdome and the world, and he’d wanted to stop it and been too weak to, how could he - 

_ Hundreds of people  _

And now he knows he’s - not speaking, but the broken noise he’s making echoes off his own ears, his own ears, he hears it and this is what he deserves, this is what he -  

He doesn’t realize Hermann is moving until he’s too close, until he’s crossed the line, and he needs to tell him to stop, Hermann, don’t, what the hell is he doing, doesn’t he know - doesn’t he know what Newt had done, isn’t he scared, he - 

He’s holding on to Newt and Newt can feel him, he has one hand on his shoulder and one hand on the back of his neck and it’s so much, it’s so much to feel with all of his own mind, it’s so much to feel and know he can move, even a little, and he’s weak, he’s weak and it’s so much, and he leans into Hermann -

“I’ve got you.”

\- and he tries to hold on to Hermann, tries to force his brain to remember that it can maneuver his hand, even as he’s crying, and he knows Hermann hates getting things on his shirt but he can’t stop, he can’t stop, he just needs to hold on, to hold on and maybe it won’t be so much in a few moments, but it is too much, and -

\- and it’s too loud, it’s too loud, and Hermann’s gone, Hermann’s being pulled away, and he’s staring at Hermann’s face, eyes wide and panicked and it’s too loud - 

\- and everything goes black.

\---

He wakes up.

He wakes up and the weight of his own mind falls on him like a cinder block.  

He wakes up and realizes he’s still in control of his own mind, he’s still in control, he didn’t think - he didn’t think he’d be able to stay, but they’re - they’re really gone, they’re - he’s -

“Newton?”

He’s crying. 

He’s crying, and it feels - okay. It doesn’t hurt, and it doesn’t feel like a sign that he’s teetering on the edge of being out of control. It doesn’t feel like too much, it just feels like - he needs to cry. He needs to cry at Hermann, being here, at his obvious, ridiculous worry. 

“Newton? Are - are you alright?”

He almost hiccups a laugh at that.

“He’s awake?” The voice says, and he finally realizes that the voice belongs to someone with a rad undercut and less than rad tweed jacket, even though they were probably about his age - 

Not about his age. He’s ten years older now. 

“His signal’s still the same,” Says the tall black woman who had come in with the voice, leaning over a screen next to - next to his bed, because he’s no longer in the chair, he’s no longer in the room, he’s on a cot in the medical center - still restrained, but only by his wrists and ankles, his head is free - it almost feels like too much, to realize he can turn it to see her better. “Hi. Dr. Lupita Johnson.” She says.

“Hi,” He says, his throat dry. 

“I’m - er, I’m Dr. - Dr. Kay Easley. I - it’s nice to meet you.” says the voice. 

“I know you.” He says, “You’re the voice. In the room.”

“I. I am that. Yes.”

“Thank you,” 

The voice - Kay - nods. 

“Yeah, you’re welcome,” the woman next to him - Lupita - says.  “I’ll take my thanks in you owing me favors like, till the end of time. And a  _ really  _ ungodly amount of coffee.” She pats his shoulder with a grin and a wink, still scrolling through one of the displays next to his bed, and he starts laughing.

It feels strange, his throat still raw from crying, and he shifts his hand as much as he can in the restraints to hold on to Hermann’s sleeve, to make sure he’s still there. 

“Okay, you’re still looking good, which is - good, because we  _ need  _ to get to dialing this back in a serious way.”

“What?” He says, “What - no, no, you can’t let it stop, you can’t - Hermann, you can’t let them, they’re going to come back, we’re -”

“Newton,” Hermann says, holding on to his wrist and keeping him from straining against the restraints. “It’s alright, it’s alright, just listen.”

“It’s okay -” Kay says,  “It’s okay, we’re not going to let anything happen.”

“Not with my equipment, we won’t.” Lupita says, “Trust me, this thing will tell us if there’s a Precursor signal before you even know it, and we can put you out like  _ that. _ ”

“I can’t do it again -” He says, only having half processed whatever’s been said around him. “I can’t do it again, you can’t stop them, they’re going to keep trying, you can’t - you can’t let it stop -”

“Dude, if we don’t turn this down, it’s going to fry your brain. I’m going to ramp it down over the next hour -”

“It’s already - it’s already fried. It’s already broken -” he can feel Hermann’s hand tighten its grip and it’s so much, feeling it with his whole brain is so much. “- you have to - just keep it on, keep them out -”

“We are.” Kay says. “ _ You  _ are.The fact that your pattern held for the hour you were unconscious is a good indication that it’s stabilized enough to hold on its own, at least for long enough for your brain to recover from the suppression.”

“You’ve got to let them help you,” Hermann says.

“I can’t - Hermann, Hermann, you’ve got to tell them I can’t -”

“You can.”

“You’re Newt fuckin’ Geiszler,” Lupita says, not even a statement of conviction, just absolute factual accuracy. “Besides, that’s Kay fuckin’ Easley, we all basically just invented an entire new field of neuroscience in a month and change, give us some credit. I for one am expecting my call from the Nobel committee any day now, trust me when I say I’m not going to let anything spoil that.” She jokes - he chokes out half a laugh - and then she nods. “We’ve got this.”

“Listen to them,” Hermann says. “Newton. I will not let anything happen to you.”

“Don’t go.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” Hermann says. “Come on. Breathe with me.”

Hermann takes a deep inhale, and Newt does the same thing without thinking - his eyes welling up, because Hermann hadn’t forgotten.

He nods at Lupita. 

“Alright. I’ve got this set to dial down over the course of an hour. I’ll be tracking you on this,” She holds up a tablet, “But just - let me know if you start feeling off, alright? Though if that happens, I’ll probably know before you do. Alright?”

“Yeah. Alright.” He chokes out. Hermann squeezes his hand, and he almost believes his own voice.

\---

He is still himself at the end of the next hour. 

He cries when Lupita tells him the suppression is completely off, and Kay says that they are still only seeing his pattern. 

He is himself. And he’s still himself at the end of the hour after that. And the hour after that. Eventually, they remove his restraints and let him eat - hospital food, but at least Hermann brings him the green jello. 

Hours later, just as Hermann returns with another tray of food, Lupita comes back in with her tablet, frowning slightly. “Hey - how are you feeling?”

“Fine?” He says. He feels about the same as he has for about the past few hours.

“Good -” She says, looking back down at her tablet.

“What’s wrong?” Hermann asks. 

“We’re seeing a very weak precursor signal -”

“No -” Newton says, “No - it was supposed to be gone, you said it was gone -”

_ I can’t do this again! _

“It’s okay, we’re going to turn the suppression back on, now that your brain’s had time to recover, and see how the signal responds to a shorter burst.”

_ I can’t do this again I can’t do this again I can’t do this again _

“No no no - I wasn’t supposed to have to do this again, I can’t do this again,”

“It’ll be okay,” Lupita says, putting a hand on his shoulder. “You can’t even feel the signal yet, so you shouldn’t even notice it.”

“Don’t let them take me back.”

“We won’t.” Hermann says, and Lupita nods. 

“I’m going to turn the suppression back on.” Lupita says. He nods weakly. 

He doesn’t feel anything. 

_ It’s not going to go away this time it’s going to be like all the other times they’re going to push back they’re going to come back they’re never going to stop you’re never going to stop _

It could only have been a few minutes, but it feels like hours before Lupita nods. “Precursor signal’s going down. It’s still responding.”

“It’s going down?” Kay says, entering the room, as Newt’s shoulders drop.

“Yeah.”

The relief on Kay’s face mirrors his own, he’s sure. 

“Why did the signal come back?” Hermann asks. 

“I’m not entirely sure.” Kay says, “We were hoping that Dr. Geiszler’s - your brain had stabilized on its own, but it’s -” They sigh. “So it’s like - a radio, right? Drifting with a kaiju brain essentially ‘tunes’ a human brain, further and further so it can - so it can receive a signal from the hive mind, so the Precursors can psuedo-Drift with it. Your brain has been tuned to receive those signals, that psuedo-Drift,  for almost the past ten years. Without drifting, Dr. Gottlieb, your brain de-tuned such that no new signals came in, and - but your brain was only ever tuned slightly to the hive mind signal, so you were only ever getting - the broken-up version of the transmission.”

“It was really staticky.” Lupita says. “Like, when you’re driving in the middle of nowhere and you’ve got crappy reception and you can barely tell what song is playing if you’re lucky, you know?”

Kay nods. “Right. So it was easy for your brain to adjust back - back to its own station, so it wasn’t receiving anything from the precursors. With your brain - Dr. Geiszler’s brain - we hoped that suppressing the signal - keeping the radio from playing the Precursor signal - that’s let your signal -”

“Your music,” Lupita says with a grin. 

“ - right, let your music play. But while it’s - it’s stabilized somewhat, it’s clearly still somewhat tuned to Precursor - the Precursor station.”

“So if you didn’t suppress it again -” Hermann asks. 

“I don’t know.  We know it will decay over time, we just don’t know how fast. We don’t know if it’s still tuned enough for them to take - to take back over.”

“What - what happens if you have to - have to keep suppressing it?”

Kay and Lupita look at each other. 

“We’re going to figure out a way to better stabilize it.” Kay says. 

“I think we can help.” Another woman says - vaguely familiar, but distantly - had they heard her voice at Shao? - as she enters the room. She’s followed by a man who he definitely doesn’t recognize, who hovers in the door.

“What have you found?” Kay asks.

“The delivery vehicles have safely processed,” the new entry says, “They’re no longer in his system. From looking at his blood samples -”

“Wait, wait wait, the delivery  _ what _ ?”

“Oh, in order to get the timing right on adjusting - er, adjusting your brain chemistry,” Kay says, “Min Na - Dr. Chen - Dr. Chen, Dr. Geiszler, er - Dr. Chen engineered a set of nanocontainers that could respond to your brain chemistry and release the appropriate drugs at the right time.”

“There was  _ nanotech _ ” Newt says. “ **_in_ ** _ my brain? _ Hermann,” He continues. “Hermann, Hermann, why didn’t you tell me there was nanotech in my brain, that is  _ literally the coolest thing. _ ”

That makes Hermann smile, which is good. 

“I mean,” Says the last entrant to the room, still from the doorway. “Most of your brain  _ is _ organic nanomachinery in its own right.” He says, then his mouth snaps shut and he looks vaguely mortified.

“Of course it is.” Kay says, with affectionate familiarity. “Er, Dr. Geiszler -- Dr. Ramirez. Our neurochemist.” 

Dr. Ramirez nods, but doesn’t come any closer.

“Holy shit.” Newt says. “I’d never thought of it like that.  _ That’s so cool. _ ”

“Well, at least you sound like yourself.” Hermann says. 

“So what did you find from the chemical data?”

Min Na looks down at her tablet. “It looks like it -” She frowns. “it will take - more time - for Dr. Geiszler’s brain to be able to maintain a its standard composition on its own. We’re working on a more effective delivery mechanism for the drugs Hector - Dr. Ramirez has developed.”

“What’s wrong with the nanotech? Is it going to -”

“No, it’s perfectly safe, this data verifies that, and we tested it on one of the model brains for the test Drift systems -”

“Which I built.” Lupita says.

“- but it is difficult to synthesize, and we’d obviously prefer to not have to deliver these so directly to your brain.”

“Will you be able to - to give him something that won’t require -” Hermann gestures to the various devices, wires, and tubes hooked up to Newton’s head, and the IV in his arm.

“We’re looking to develop something that can be added to the IV itself, to start. Then, hopefully we can move to something that can work in pill form, or via injection, though obviously that’s not optimal.”

“I’m pretty used to needles.” Newt says. Lupita lets up a snort of laughter and holds up her hand, palm facing him.

It takes him a moment to realize that it’s a high five gesture, but he returns it as soon as he does.

There’s a weird expression on Dr. Ramirez’s face, something that’s not quite consternation. “For now, we want to just deliver a low level dose through the main tap, to help stabilize his system.”

“The signal’s gone,” Says Kay, and the room lets out a sudden exhale of relief. “If you think that’s what’s best, ‘Tor, then I’d say go ahead, and we’ll see how things go when we turn off the suppression.” They look at Newt, and he nods.

Dr. Ramirez looks strained. “Right. Right. We’ll - get that together.”

Kay looks after him as he leaves with a slight frown. Then they turn back to Newt. “Alright, we’re going to turn off the suppression.”

_ I can’t do this again! _

“Okay.” Newt says. 

\---

Kay pulls up a chair and sits down next to his hospital bed, a few days later, a few days without running suppression, a few days of varying doses of intravenous drugs, a few days of being himself. 

“We need to talk about the long term.” They say without preamble, “I can talk about this with just you, or with you and Dr. Gottlieb, but I’d like to have the team here, if that’s okay, because I’d like them to be here to be able to best answer any questions that you have.”

It takes him a moment to fully process what they’re talking about - but yes, of course, he wants Hermann here, and - and why would it matter if the team was here, they’ve already seen everything, he wants, if nothing else, to be able to understand all the things that are broken in his head. 

It takes him several more moments to realize that they are still waiting for him to respond. 

“Yes - yes, that would - that would be good. Hermann - Hermann, and - and the team.”

“Okay,” Kay says, with a faint smile.

When Kay returns, the three other Drift Team members, as Lupita has cheerfully referred to them, also pull up chairs. 

“I want to start off by saying that the answer to many of your questions is - probably going to be ‘we don’t know.’ I think - I think if there’s anyone who understands this, it would be you - what it means to be a scientist working in uncharted territory.

“But I think - the most important thing about our understanding, right now, is that we don’t see any reason why you won’t be able to live the rest of your natural life as yourself.”

Hermann squeezes his hand. 

He doesn’t realize he’s crying until Lupita hands him a tissue.

_ I don’t have to do this again.  _

“The corollary to that,” Kay continues, “Is that it is entirely possible that you will spend the rest of your life with regular treatments for this condition.”

He laughs, quite unexpectedly even to himself.  When he finally manages to catch his breath, he chokes out. “Oh no -  _ spending the rest of my life taking drugs  _ \- how - how _ terrible _ .”

Hector’s mouth twitches slightly as though it’s fighting a smile. Lupita snorts, and holds out her hand for a high five - he realizes what it is more quickly this time, and reaches out and high fives her back. 

Kay smiles and ducks their head. 

“When you say it’s entirely possible -” Hermann asks.

“We only have two data points to understand the decay curve - the ‘detuning’ of your brain from the initial Precursor holdover it had to what we saw now.” Kay says to Hermann, “We’re assuming that did not take the full ten years, but we can’t be sure what fraction of the time that took. We’ll likely know more as we track Dr. Geiszler’s condition over the long term, but we genuinely don’t know how long it will take for the Precursor ‘tuning’ to be totally gone. It could take a few years, it could take a few decades.”

Newt nods. “Leaping into the unknown.”

Min Na nods. “What’s at issue here, relative to other long term treatments,” she says, “Is that we have no empirical data on the long term effects of these treatments - the uncharted territory that Kay was talking about. We’ve looked at the data and modeled what we can, but the fact of the matter is that we don’t have the same kind of data on the side-effects of what we’re working with in the way we understand the side effects of testosterone injections, or methylphenidate.”

“And we don’t understand the long term impacts of regular use of these - suppression treatments,” Kay adds. “The closest analogue is when we have to use something similar for the cadets, but that’s a rare case. What - what we’re forecasting here, and we’ll understand better after a few weeks, and after a few months, but - but what the modeling is telling us, is that, with daily medication, we can - maintain stability, and we’ll be able to use suppression weekly, or hopefully once every two weeks, to knock down any precursor incursions.”

“You already mentioned -” Hermann starts, clearly concerned, “but - you’ve considered how this medication will interact with Newton’s other -”

“Of course,” Hector says, almost offended. “I wouldn’t even consider developing something to this phase without considering other drug interactions. We may not be able to predict them perfectly, but by comparison to close analogues and modeling we’ve designed a set of medications that will avoid any serious side effects in conjunction with the medications on file.”

“And we’ll be monitoring the whole time.”

“‘Cause I’m a guinea pig.” Newt says, to general looks of concern. “Hey, if there’s anything I appreciate, it’s the grand scientific tradition of experimenting on yourself.”

Lupita laughs. “That’s the spirit.”

Hermann just gives an exasperated. “Newton.”  

“Do you have any questions?” Kay asks.

“You already answered my question.” He says, and then Kay looks at him quizzically. “About drug interactions?”

Everyone stares at him. 

“Newton,” Hermann says, “I asked that question,”

“Yeah, we -” He starts, then stops. What was he - of course Hermann had asked that question, he knew that. “Yeah, it was the question I was going to ask, but Hermann asked it first. So it already got answered. That’s what I meant.”

“Right, yeah.” Kay rubs their forehead. “Sorry, long day.”

“Words are hard. We get it.” Lupita says. 

“You should all get some rest.” Hector says, putting a hand on Kay’s shoulder - the closest he’s gotten to Newt’s bed in this whole time. 

Kay sighs. “Yeah.” They say, then look up at Newt. “Just let us know if you have any other questions, alright? We can talk through more of the details as we go, just get some rest.”

“Don’t think I’ll get more well rested than being in bed all day.” Newt says. “I’ll try and sleep,” He says, to Kay’s concerned look, like sleep full of nightmares is any more restful, like he wouldn’t rather be doing actual work to try and help, to try and help Mako. 

“You do need to sleep.” Hermann says.

“Pot, Kettle.” He says, yawning. 

\---

He wakes up to shouting. 

“ - is my patient, and I’m telling you, he’s not ready to be put in whatever fucking interrogation room you want to put him in, he is _ still being treated  _ and -”

A voice he doesn’t recognize. “That is not your decision, Dr. Easley -”

“Why is it not their decision? Since when does the PPDC get to override medical recommendations?” Hermann’s voice. 

“Since the world was almost ended by one of our own, Dr. Gottlieb.” The other speaker - presumably a PPDC official - continues. “We do not need to remove him from his medical treatment. You have confirmed that he is stable as Newt Geiszler, correct?”

“Yes.” Newt says, and three heads whip around to stare at him. “Yes, I am. I’ll tell you whatever you want me to, I’ll tell you everything I know. I just want to help - just - just let me help Mako, I’ll tell you whatever you want.”

The official makes a note on his tablet. “I’ll inform the committee.”

‘Informing the committee’ turns out to take very little time, and all too soon Newt is surrounded by four uniformed officials, staring down at him in his hospital bed.

“We’ll need the room.” One of the officials - a tall woman, with her hair pulled back into an immaculate bun - says. 

“I’m sorry,” Lupita says, “do  _ you  _ understand how any of this equipment works? I didn’t  _ think  _ so.” She adds, when the official looks taken aback. 

“We were told that Dr. Geiszler would not be required to be removed from medical care.” Kay says. “That includes our supervision, in order to effectively monitor his condition.”

The official who spoke then turns her gaze on Hermann. 

“Please don’t make him leave.” Newt says, quietly. 

The official turns to look at one of her compatriots, and then nods. 

“Dr. Geiszler. Let us get directly to the point.” Says the second official, sitting down. “Based on your time under precursor control, is there an imminent threat to Earth?”

“Yes.” Newt says. “Yes, there is. They - they’re not going to give up. They’re going to keep trying. After - after the first time, they see Earth as a threat. I can help. I know - I know how they - I know what they can do. Please - just let me help Mako. I can fix this.”

“I want to understand what happened after ‘the first time’, Dr. Geiszler.” Says the first official. “It is our understanding, based on the testimony of Dr. Easley,” She nods to Kay, who looks simultaneously angry and mortified, “That you must have drifted voluntarily with the Kaiju brain found in your apartment several times, in order to produce what we have all seen.”

“We need to understand how and why that happened. You understand why we have to guarantee that such a thing never happens again.”

Newt nods. “I know - I - I know. I’m sorry. I -” He rubs at his eyes. “It’s - hard - to remember. I don’t know why I - it made so much sense at the time, but now I - I’m sorry.”

“Start at the beginning.”

“I was having nightmares.” Newt says. “We - I was having nightmares about them. And - and I thought if I drifted with the brain, I could - I could confirm that they were dead. That Mako - that Mako and Raleigh killed them. That I could stop being - that I could stop being afraid, if I knew they were -” He takes a deep breath. “They weren’t dead. They - and that - it must have made it worse. But I thought - I thought if I could just find out what they were doing - I could - I could - if I knew, we could - I could tell someone. We could stop it, like last time. Like Mako and - you have to let me help her, please.”

“But you didn’t tell anyone.”

He shakes his head, “I - I should have. If I had just - but I - it doesn’t make any sense, but it - it made so much sense then, why I didn’t just - just tell -” He shoots a guilty look at Hermann.  “But we - I - no, they thought, they were, it must have been them - they were saying that he - that no one would believe me without - that everyone else, that they’d stop us, that they’d stop me from learning more if they knew, and if I didn’t know then next time - next time the Precursors, they’d be able to kill us all. And - and I thought, I had to -” He can’t look at the officials - he can’t look at Hermann. “And - I nearly did. We almost did - because - because it was - we weren’t - I wasn’t the one thinking any more.” 

“When?”

“We almost killed - everyone. We almost killed Mako - I need to fix this, I need to help her.”

“Dr. Geiszler. When did you lose control?”

“I -” He rubs at his eyes, “A few weeks? I knew - I knew it wasn’t me by - by early February, because they didn’t understand -” He shakes his head. “Holidays - they didn’t understand. And then - Shao - and -”

He barely notices the officials comparing notes. 

“And you really expect us to believe this?” Asks a third official. “You expect us to believe that  _ nightmares  _ drove you to go back to one of these monsters, to take such an extreme step as -”

“ _ I know!”  _ He shouts, and it burns his throat on the way up. “I know - you think I don’t - you think I don’t regret it? You think I don’t - I don’t know? Do you think I don’t wish I had realized what was happening, that I hadn’t done - done  _ literally anything else _ ? That I had - they nearly made me kill  _ everyone -  _ and I -” Hermann is holding on to his hand tightly, and he tries to breathe. “Please - I know - I know, there are so many - there are so many people I - I can’t get back, that we can’t - we can’t get back because of me - but I - I can help Mako, I know I can, and I - I can help you stop them, I know that much, I can do that, please let me do that, I have to do something, I can’t just - I can’t just -”

“You expect us to trust -” One of the official’s starts, and Hector cuts him off.

“That’s enough.” He snaps, and then shuts his mouth, looking vaguely mortified. 

“Doctor Ramirez.” The official says. It’s not a question.

Hector swallows but doesn’t blink. “He’s answered all of the relevant questions. There’s no point working our patient to a breakdown. If you have follow up questions, we can continue this conversation later.” 

Kay nods. Hermann squeezes Newt’s hand.

“Dr. Easley,” the first official begins. “In your estimation, does this account match with the level of influence you would have expected from your observations?”

“Given a limited dataset -” Kay starts, “Yes. Yes, to the best of my knowledge, nothing in this - account, is discontiguous with what we would expect from our model.”

“And,” The second official asks, “Given your current understanding of Dr. Geiszler’s condition, would you advise allowing him to work on Director Mori’s case?”

Kay looks at their team. 

“Yes, we do.”

Newt wipes away tears from the corners of his eyes and smiles.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we finally get to the kaiju blood rocket boots, Mako comes back, there are gratuitous Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood references, and some conversations about trust.

Newt rubs his eyes, before resuming looking at the tissue sample under the microscope. 

He feels alone, even though he knows he isn’t - the room is covered in cameras, and there are three guards on the other side of the door, waiting for any sounds they don’t like. But if he forgets about that, it feels like it’s just them. Him. Just him.

He turns up the music a little louder.

The backlighting on the microscope shouldn’t bother his eyes, but it does. Instead he looks up at the ceiling of the tiny, cramped lab space, lit only by the black light lamps placed in the room. He’d only moved into the lab space a few days ago, but it had taken less than twenty-four hours to realize that he couldn’t do sustained work under normal fluorescent lighting. 

It wasn’t - it wasn’t a change, from the past ten years. The precursors had always preferred lighting closer to the lighting of the anteverse, when they could get it - when they could get away from people, when they needed to work, really work and think with their multitude of minds. 

But they’re not there anymore. He’s supposed to be himself again, but the light under the microscope still feels wrong. 

He knew about bleedover, guessed that that was probably what this was before Kay had even suggested it as a hypothesis, when they were helping to move the blacklight lamps in. It’s not - it’s not like it should be unexpected, but -

He’s supposed to be himself now. 

Without the blacklights, he could almost forget that he wasn’t - he wasn’t working on something normal, reviewing tissue samples, working the problem. He could almost forget that -

But the blacklights are there, and he doesn’t deserve to forget. 

He has a job to do. 

He forces himself to stop staring at the too-close ceiling, and goes to switch out the microscope slides. Force of habit - his own habit, for once - drives him to push up his sleeves as he goes for the next sample, and then he stops himself as his fingers brush over the two burn scars. 

In the small corner of his mind that he’d still had to himself, he’d had nightmares for weeks after they’d inflicted the burns on his arms, nightmares about horrific, distorted versions of the kaiju, with their eyes bubbling and blistering and charred at the edges, nightmares that burned away at his fascination and curiosity in favor of ashes of fear. 

All of that, now in the two circular burn scars over the eyes of his sleeve tattoos. 

_ This is not your body.  _

His first tattoo hadn’t been on his arms, it had been over his chest, over healed top surgery scars. It had been a celebration - of finally being able to look in the mirror and feel that he belonged in his own body. 

He pulls the sleeve back down over his tattoos, and turns up the music again.

The music is loud enough that he almost doesn’t hear the knock at the door. He looks up - it must be Hermann. 

It takes him a moment to realize that he’s waiting for a response. “Come in!”

“I don’t know how you can concentrate with that racket.” Hermann says, without preamble. Newt grins and turns the music up just a little louder for a moment, before turning it down so he can hear Hermann properly. “I brought food.” He adds, nodding to one of the two trays he’s holding, the one with the small plastic container on it.

Newt takes the tray and picks up the container, popping it open to look at the pills inside. “You think if I take the one that makes me jittery and the one that makes me tired together they’ll cancel each other out?”

Hermann gives him a vaguely chagrined smile. “I don’t think that’s how it works.”

Newt mock-sighs. 

“You must be hungry. Did you have breakfast?”

He thinks back, and he probably didn’t. Now that he thinks about it, really interrogates the status of his stomach, he probably is hungry. 

“Is it still -?” Hermann begins to ask, sitting down with his own tray, and Newt nods. 

He’s used to missing his own hunger because he was distracted, but that’s not, he thinks, why he’s been forgetting so often. He’s spent so long with the Precursors controlling when he ate and slept, he hadn’t had to monitor when he needed to eat - or sleep for that matter - for almost ten years. 

“Thanks for -” He nods to the food. “I don’t - well -” He doesn’t know what he’d do without Hermann - now, especially, though it had probably been true for longer than he would have admitted, then.

“Of course.”

“I missed you.” He blurts out. “I - yeah, I missed you.”

“I missed you too.” Hermann says, And Newt - Newt feels a sudden surge of relief. “I - no,”

“What?”

“It’s horribly selfish, but -” He shakes his head, “I was - I - I’m glad it wasn’t really  _ you  _ who wanted to leave.”

“I would  _ never. _ ” Newt insists, pushing off from the floor to scoot his chair closer to Herman, “Dude - I - I missed you so much. I missed you so - I - god,” He says, struck by putting it together, “I think I - I think I made them miss you too, that’s - that’s - fuck -” He buries his head in his hands. “That’s why they wanted you to meet Alice - they wanted to - they wanted to put you through what they put me through, and they - oh, god. I messed up. I messed up. I’m sorry.” 

“That wasn’t you. It wasn’t your decision.”

“It - it was taking a  _ part  _ of me. It was taking something I  _ wanted  _ and - and if I wanted it that badly I should have been able - able to -”

“It wasn’t you.” Hermann says, again.

“I - god, they took Mako too, because I - I missed her, and I - I wanted her to  _ not be dead _ , and they - they saw her as an - as an asset, when they found her in the rubble. They - they took her, and they tried to make - make her a part of themselves, too - because of what  _ I _ wanted.”

“And it saved her life.”

“After I almost killed her.”

“After  _ they  _ tried to kill her.”

Newt swivels back and forth in the chair slightly. “We’re - I’m going to fix this, Hermann. I can do it. I can - I have to.”

“You won’t get anything done by destroying yourself.” Hermann says. “You’ve hardly rested - you’ve hardly slept -”

“I don’t - Hermann, I have to do this. She’s been in that pod for - for weeks, at least -” He’s not quite sure what day it is.

“And she’s not dying. I know you can help her, but if you don’t get rest you won’t be able to.” 

“I -” He sighs, “yeah.”

“Newton,” Hermann says, seriously, “I know it is difficult right now, but you do need to take care of yourself. We’re all here to help you -”

“Why -” He starts. “I don’t - I want to fix - but Hermann, I nearly killed you.”

“No, you didn’t.” Hermann says, again. “I know you, and it wasn’t you. I only regret that I didn’t see that something was wrong sooner, that - that I wasn’t there to help.”

Newt shakes his head. “They - they knew you would try, keeping me -  they - getting away from you, and the Shatterdome, that - they knew they had to do that. You wouldn’t - you couldn’t have helped.”

“I wish you - I wish I had said something, at the beginning. I wish I could -”

“They wanted me not to trust you. I - I should have told you. I know I -” He shakes his head. “Yeah. It didn’t make sense. Now - now I know that it was them, and it - I’m sorry.”

“I should have -” Hermann looks downcast. “I should have known  _ something. _ ”

“I am generally pretty weird,” Newt says, with an attempt at a grin. “Though, I mean, being down on  _ kaiju blood rocket boots _ , man? That’s not me.”

That makes Hermann look up at him. “You - they were fairly dismissive.”

Newt snorts. “Yeah, cause they knew it was too awesome for them to handle. Kaiju blood rocket boots are  _ literally  _ the most punk rock thing  _ ever. _ ”

“You think?” There’s a faint smile on Hermann’s face. 

“Dude, I absolutely  _ know. _ ” He says, leaning over to put a hand on Hermann’s shoulder. “Seriously, any time I am down on fuckin’  _ kaiju blood rocket boots _ , you have my  _ full permission  _ to have me locked up because I am  _ clearly  _ not myself.” 

Hermann is smiling now. “Alright. I will - keep that in mind.”

“Yeah.” Newt shakes his head, smiling too. “ _ Kaiju blood rocket boots. _ ” He mutters, one more time.

“They did work - rather spectacularly.”

“They were  _ fucking awesome. _ ” Newt says. “I wish I had been working on them with you, because they were  _ incredible. _ ”

“I -” Hermann says, “I had hoped that we would work on them together.”

“Yeah.” Newt says. “I’m going to fix this, Hermann.”

“I know.” Hermann says. “Just - rest first.”

Hermann tugs his chair closer so Newt can lean against him, and, Newt thinks, food and rest doesn’t sound quite so bad.

\----

He does fix it. 

He does fix it - he finds a way to curtail and stabilize the Kaiju tissue grafted to Mako’s body so that it will function with her, to stop its invasion into her brain and, with help, to best ensure that her brain wouldn’t be vulnerable to the kaiju hive mind. 

And he finds a way to wake her up. 

It’s been three weeks, and they’ve finally allowed him out of his tiny lab space to be present when they wake Mako up. It’s still unnerving to see her with scales, and patches of skin glowing - his stomach squirms with guilt at the fact that he couldn’t fix all of it, that he couldn’t bring her back whole. 

She’s laying on a hospital bed much like his previous residence, now free from the pod. The first sign of her waking is as her face begins to twitch - and as the glowing patches on her skin flare.

Raleigh leans closer to her bed, and takes her hand. “Mako?”

Her eyes snap open. 

“Raleigh? Raleigh -” She turns over to see him. “Raleigh, where - where am I - I - Shao, you have to, they have -” She reaches out to grab him by the shoulder, and then -

Then she sees the scales on her arm. 

“What?”

“Mako - Mako, it’s okay, take a deep breath, you’re fine, a lot has happened but we’re all safe, you’re fine, Mako, listen to me -”

“What - what is this -” She starts scratching at the scales on her arm until the doctors pull her back. “It - it hurts - no, stop it  _ let me go!” _

“Mako, it’s okay -”

“Everyone out!” One of the doctors shouts, and Newt is shunted towards the door.

“Raleigh - “ Mako starts. “Raleigh - what  _ am  _ I?”

The last thing he hears before the door shuts is Mako screaming.

_ You did this. _

\---

He’d been dissecting a kaiju when he first met Mako. 

He’d just started at this Shatterdome recently - it was fairly new, with some resources and personnel in the process of transferring from the Tokyo Shatterdome to build out the new facility, which made it a good place to start out and build out a lab the way he liked. At the moment, he’d had the lab to himself, and he’d been playing old episodes of Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood - subbed, so he could excuse it as practicing his Japanese - in the background while he worked. He’d watched the series enough that it wasn’t distracting, and it kept his brain occupied when he did the more mindless of the dissection work. 

Just as he’d finished making his main incision, and as Winry, onscreen, was talking about the wonders of automail engineering, he’d heard a noise from the lab door. 

He’d - well, he hadn’t expected it to be Mako Mori, all of - what, twelve? thirteen? peering through doorway, and looking flustered at being discovered. 

Newt had waved, with his kaiju-blood covered glove still on. “Hey,”

“... Hello.”

“Are you looking for someone?”

She’d shrugged and shook her head.

“Oh. Okay. You - you can come in if you want?”

She’d walked in, looking at the screen more than at him - though she’d taken  a moment to shoot a distrustful glare at the kaiju remains in the room. 

“Who’s that?” She asks.

“Oh, that’s Winry. She’s an automail engineer, she makes - like, advanced prosthetic limbs. They’re pretty cool, some of them can be used as weapons.” She nods in response. “And I’m Newt. I - uh, I work on Kaiju, here.”

“I’m going to kill them all.” She’d said, flatly, her eyes full of fierceness that had dared him to contradict her.

“Oh. Okay, cool. Just like,” He’d added, “Try and like, bring them back to shore? Their organs are really cool, and how often do you get to dissect aliens, right?”

She’d looked at him, clearly surprised, and then shrugged and nodded, going back to looking at the screen. 

“If you like it, we should really start it from the beginning.” He says, “It’s really good. This is like - I don’t know, but I’ve rewatched it a lot.”

“Is she in all of it?”

“A lot of it, yeah!” Newt had said, “And the other characters are really good, too.” 

Onscreen, Ed had turned his automail arm into a sword, and Mako’s eyes lit up. 

Newt had grinned. “Oh, we should definitely go back to the beginning.”  

\---

He’s nauseous when he walks back into the medbay, days later, at Mako’s request. She’s propped up in her bed, and she looks up and smiles when she sees him, and his stomach twists. 

“Newt,” She gestures to the seat by her bed, and he sits down.

“Mako - I -”

She holds up her hand. “Raleigh explained. I know what happened. I am sorry that we could not help you earlier.”

“What? No - no, I’m - I’m the one who’s sorry, I - they tried to kill you, and - and I was part of the reason they did -  _ this _ , Mako, I’m sorry.”

“Raleigh explained.” Mako repeats, patiently. “It wasn’t you. When it was  _ you _ , you helped me. You’re the reason I’m not in that pod - or still on that island.”

“I - I couldn’t -” He waves a hand to the patches of scales, to the bioluminescence along her cheeks and arms. “I’m sorry. I should have been able to -”

“I am alive.” She says, firmly. “I am - I am alive. That is what matters. I am still here, and I would not be if it were not for you.” She holds up a hand to forestall his protests. “I -” She starts again, then stops, staring again at her arms.

“I am sorry.”

“The monsters have given me a part of themselves.” Mako says, “I may - it may not be a reminder I would want, but it is not a weapon I intend to ignore.” She clenches her fist as she says it. 

“I -” He says, and then she looks up at him - looks up from where she had been staring, haunted, at her arms, looks up with every ounce of fierceness he had seen in her eyes years ago, when she had declared that she would kill the Kaiju, and he finds he has nothing to say that would stand up in the face of that. 

She smiles at him. “It’s like - I’m a chimera now -”

_ Oh god - I’m Tucker, I’m Shao Tucker, I did this - _

He can still picture the way the character’s glasses had shone as he told Ed they were just alike, after he had - after he had done  _ that  _ to his own daughter, and -

“Like the lion one. Darius. Or the others,” She says, and Newt exhales abruptly - she’s not Nina, she’s not doomed, “You know, I’m stronger.” She says, lifting and arm and curling her bicep, a teasing grin on her face all the while. “Like I have a super power.”

“As long as it’s not - sticky spit, or -”

And she laughs, and it’s perfect. “No,” She says, once she stops laughing. “Not sticky spit.”

“Well, that’s something.” He says, smiling a little. 

She nods at him, and reaches out for his hand. “They hurt both of us, but they made a mistake - they left me with part of their bodies, and you with part of their minds.” She squeezes his hand. “Us - we’re not going to be the same. But together, we’re going to kill them all for good. For - for both of us, and all our families.” 

He squeezes her hand, still feeling the scales against his skin. “Deal.”

\---

“Newt?” 

Hermann’s voice at the door snaps him out of his distracted scrolling through Mako’s medical charts. “Yeah,” Newt says, “You - you can come in.”

Hermann moves one of the chairs over to where Newt is, and sits next to him. “Are you alright? Mako told me she spoke with you.”

“Yeah. No, yeah, it was good. I’m - I’m glad she’s doing better.”

“For the person who made that possible, you don’t seem very happy.”

“I -” He sighs. “I don’t know how she can - how all of you can - can be so - so fucking  _ chill  _ about this? I - I left her like that, and she - she didn’t blame me.”

“Because she understands that it wasn’t your fault.”

“I should - I should have been able to do better.”

Hermann gives him a sad, vaguely exasperated smile. “You’re going to be in treatment for what happened to you for a very long time. Do you blame the team for not doing ‘better’?”

“No, of course not, but -” He sighs. “It’s - I saw what was in their heads, the Precursors, I saw what they did, I should have - I should have been able to do something. What happened to me - that was my own -”

“It was not your fault.” Hermann insists. “You did something to try to save us all, and that ended up putting you at a risk you could not have understood at the time.”

“Fortune favors the bold.” He says, voice deadened.

“It does.” Hermann says. “You are still here, are you not? We are all here.”

“‘Cause you made kaiju blood rocket boots.” Newt says.

“Sometimes other people have to be bold, too.”

“Hermann, I -” He takes a breath. “How are you -” Why do you even want to be around me? Why haven’t you left? How can you forgive me? 

“Newt?”

“How are you - okay? I - I mean,” He doesn’t look at Hermann. “Hermann, I - they almost choked you to death, and I couldn’t stop them. They were going to kill you with my hands and I couldn’t have stopped them. How can you -” How have you been sitting next to me like this is okay? How can you reach out and not be afraid it’s going to happen again? 

“Because it wasn’t you.” Hermann says, “I - will not say that it is easy, but - I have had time to understand what it was that attacked me, and it was not you. I saw the work that went into helping you to free yourself from the Precursors - I was there, and I was part of it. It was not something that you or anyone could have done alone.  I trust you.” 

“But I -”

“Newton.” Hermann says, “If you cannot trust yourself, at least trust us. Trust me when I say that there is nothing to forgive, because I know you, and I trust you.”

“ _ Why? _ ”

Hermann looks at him, with that faintly despairing, exasperated look Newt is so used to, and reaches out to Newt. “Come here.”

Cautiously, Newt scoots his chair a little closer to Hermann’s. Herman reaches out and takes his wrist, thumb bumping over the scars on his arm, and pulls his hand up.

“Hermann?”

Hermann shifts his grip, taking hold of Newt’s hand, and places Newt’s hand over his own throat, holding it there with his own hand.

“ _ What the hell? _ ” Newt leans away, but Hermann doesn’t let go. “What are you - stop it!”

“Are you going to hurt me?”

“No!” Newt shouts. “Of course not! Jesus, Hermann, what the hell?”

Hermann just looks him dead in the eyes. “That’s why.” He says, simply.

Hermann holds on to him for a moment more - it feels like ages, with Hermann looking at him intently and his fingers on Hermann’s pulse - before letting go.

Newt yanks his hand away, pushing his chair back from Hermann. “What the hell?”

“You weren’t listening to me, so I thought I should show you.” He has a slightly wry smile. “You’ve always understood things better when they were concrete, rather than abstract.” 

“Yeah, but that’s -” Newt starts and then trails off. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Newton.” Hermann says. 

“Really?”

“Are kaiju blood rocket boots ‘punk rock’?”

Newt blinks, then smiles in spite of himself. “Yeah,  _ obviously. _ ”

“Then I’m alright.”

“Okay.” Newton says, and he scoots back in closer, letting Hermann tug him the final distance until their chairs knock together and he can hug Hermann properly.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our epilogue, of sorts. There are donuts.

It’s been another week; which means it’s time for another round with The Helmet - it’s going through various iterations of increasingly ridiculous names, partially the fault of him, partially the fault of the Drift team, entirely to the exasperation of Hermann, but in between he tends to default to just calling it The Helmet. 

He pushes open the door to the new neuro lab - well, he supposes it’s really the old neuro lab, from before they’d moved to the lower levels, but it feels more to him. He likes this one much better than the old one - the windows for the labs on the upper level are much better for the bleedover-claustrophobia he’s acquired than the bunker-like closeness of the basement. 

“Hey, Newt,” Lup calls out, waving him over. “How are you doing?”

“Pretty good,” He says, grabbing a seat near Lup’s collection of tech. 

Lup’s started hooking him up to the monitoring system when Kay and Min Na walk in, with coffee and donuts they set down on the front desk. 

“Please tell me you brought me a donut.” Newt calls out, and Kay laughs. Min Na holds up the appropriate rainbow-sprinkled donut.

“No one’s getting frosting on my tech!” Lup says. “Donuts after, science first.” 

Newt sighs as dramatically as he can manage, and Lup laughs.

Kay pulls up a chair next to him - leaving their donut behind, by the front desk - and swivels one of the screens so they can look at it properly. “Looks pretty good - a little bit of signal, have you noticed anything?”

“Nope.” Newt says.

“No, it doesn’t look like you should. Anyway,” Kay continues, “We’ll get rid of that.”

“Just try not to mess up my hair this time.” Newt says to Lup, who gasps in mock-affront.

“Any other issues?” Kay asks with a grin.

“Eh, the meds are still making me twitchier than usual, but it’s nothing I’m -”

“I might have something for that,” Hector says, and Newt hadn’t even noticed him enter the room. “I’ve been trying to refine the formula since you mentioned it earlier, so -” He holds out another pill bottle. 

“See, this - this is why he’s my favorite.” Newt says.

“I’m  _ appalled. _ ” Lup says, while Kay laughs.

“The only issue,” Hector says, slightly red around the ears, “is that this one might make you slightly hungrier than usual.”

“Well, Hermann does keep saying I’m not eating enough.” Newt says with a grin, “Thanks,” he adds sincerely, “I appreciate it.”

Hector nods. “Let me know if- if it doesn’t help with the issues, or if you notice anything else.”

“We brought you a donut, too, ‘Tor,” Kay says.

“What? He gets his already?”

“Three more minutes.” Lup says, “Hey, I’m not getting mine either.”

“Solidarity.” Newt says, and they high five. Hector shakes his head, but can’t quite hide a smile. 

“How’s Ms. Mori?” Min Na asks. 

“She’s - she’s good. Thanks. We were just talking, actually. Things are - starting to move forward, for the attack, and she’s looking forward to getting back in a pilots suit.”

“Good.” Hector says, firmly. 

Kay nods. “I’m glad she’s doing well.  

“Yeah. Yeah, me too.” He says. “I - I know I can’t say thank you enough, but - you all know, this - none of this would have happened without you, right?”

Kay smiles and ducks their head. 

“Hey,” Lup teases, “No matter what you say, you’re not getting my donut. I will not be flattered.” 

“Still haven’t gotten the call from the Nobel committee, huh?”

“Unbelievably, no.” 

“Hey, if you need a reference,”

“What, you’ve got an in on the Nobel committee?”

“Naw, but Hermann probably does, he knows fancy people.”

Lup snorts. “Come on,” She says, as her pad dings to signal the end of this round with The Helmet. “Let’s get those donuts.”

\---

“- again, I’m not having this conversation without the actual  _ person in question. _ ”

Newt hadn’t known what to expect when Kay had sent a message to both him and Hermann asking them to come by the neuroscience lab, but it certainly hadn’t been an argument, certainly not this loud.

Kay turns to him when he opens the door. “Oh,  _ good _ , you’re here.” 

The rest of the team is gathered around Kay, who’s facing a man with crisp black suit and slicked back hair. 

“We’ve met before,” Hermann says, stepping into the room behind Newt. “You were at the - at Dr. Easleys’ initial briefing.” Hermann’s tone immediately said that he did not think much of this man’s particular conduct at whatever that briefing had been.

“Westley Moore, PPDC public relations.” The man says to Hermann, holding out a hand that Hermann doesn’t take. “As I was just discussing with Dr. Easley, I’ve been placed in charge of building public support for this - attack on the Precursors.”

“He doesn’t think the public trusts you.” Lup says, succinctly.

“We - want to take into consideration that possible aspect of public opinion, yes. I’m sure you understand, Dr. Geiszler, having been so deeply - compromised, it is difficult for the public to rebuild trust. And knowing that you are still in treatment, with precursor influence still remaining -”

Kay snorts. “So that’s how you put it when you have to say it to his face.”

“- it is difficult for the public to see - wisdom, in pinning the details of a mission of this scale on your - report, of the Precursors.”

“No,” Newt says, to forestall further comment from the team. “No, I understand.”

“I don’t.” Lup says, “So the public doesn’t get what’s going on - or at least, you clearly don’t. We just tell them, why are we being cloak and dagger about it? We have the data.”

“We can’t disclose private medical data to the public without -” Kay starts.

“Lup’s right,” Newt says. “Not - not all of it, but - they should know what - what you all have been able to do. They should know that I’m - me, and - and how you know. They deserve that much, after - after everything.”

Kay frowns a little. “If - if that’s what you want.” They look at Hermann, and then back at Newt. “I’ll - I’ll have a press conference.” They look at Moore. “I can lay out - whatever of the medical data that Dr. Geiszler is willing to disclose. I -”

“No,” Hector says. “No, I should do it.”

Everyone in the room stares at him, with an intensity that Newt doesn’t quite understand.

“This isn’t just about persuading the public, is it?” Hector says, “This is about selling this to the more reluctant members of the council. Most have them have either heard you or heard about you defending Dr. Geiszler. They know where you stand. If they hear it from me, that I think we should move forward -” He says. “It will - it will have more weight. I can sell it.” 

“Are - are you sure?”

“I want to do this.” Hector tells Kay. “I - yeah. I want to do this. With your permission. And -” He looks over at Newt as well. “Yeah.”

“Okay. Yeah, okay.” Kay says. 

“You - you actually want to do this?” Hermann asks.

“Yes, I do.” Hector says, with a faintly chagrined smile. “It’s - I think it’s the right thing to do. And if it helps convince them to go ahead and blow those bastards all to hell then - that’ll feel pretty good, I think.”

Kay puts a hand on Hector’s shoulder. “Alright.” They turn to Moore. “We will inform you when Dr. Ramirez has testimony prepared.”

“I would rather discuss -”

“We’ll be happy to take your feedback  _ later. _ ” Kay says, aggressively herding him out of the room. They bang their forehead on the door after he leaves. “Well, that’s going to come back to bite me later.”

“Hector -” Min Na starts.

“It’s fine.” Hector says.

“Hector -” Newt says, “I - thank you.”

Hector nods, with a tight expression. “Come on,” He adds, “I think we all need donuts after that.” 

\---

“Okay, but an Alphonse armor jaeger would be  _ amazing  _ and I cannot be convinced otherwise, Hermann - Mako, back me up on this.”

Mako raises the spoon she’s using for her ice cream in agreement, and Kay laughs. 

“What would you use all the spikes for? Holy shit, would you  _ headbutt  _ kaiju?” Lup says from where she’s sprawled out on the couch. 

“Oh god, don’t encourage him,” Hermann says fondly, still only halfway through his first drink.

When Jake had found him and said they were having an ‘anti-wake’ (“Wouldn’t that be a sleep?” “That sounds boring, mate, come on,”) he hadn’t quite known what to expect, but it probably wasn’t a mess of donuts, ice cream, drinks, and what’s apparently Jake’s favorite music.

“Just let me know before you make modifications to Danger,” Raleigh says with a grin, “Headbutting’s not one of my usual moves in a fight.”

“C’mon, Jake” Newt says, as Min Na passes Kay another donut, “You gotta let me change the music, I’ve got better playlists than this one.”

“Aw no, I’m not taking music recommendations from you, old man,” Jake teases.

“Old? I’m not  _ old _ !” The room looks at him skeptically. “Hey, time possessed by Precursors doesn’t count, I’ll have you know I’m still thirty-five.”

Hermann shakes his head, but can’t keep an amused smile off his face. 

“You’re all kids.” Herc says, chuckling to himself. 

“See! Herc agrees with me.”

Jake laughs, “Alright, man, if you say so,” He says, passing Newt the tablet. 

“Ah-hah! Now we’re actually going to rock.” Newt says, pulling up a new playlist. Kay woops and lifts their donut in the air.  

“Someone get me another drink.” Jake says, grinning, and Hector grabs the bottle and pours him one. 

Yeah, he thinks, an anti-wake was a pretty solid idea.

\---

They stop on the sidewalk outside of the tattoo parlor. 

He has an appointment, but he’s still a few minutes early. He looks at the designs hanging in the window absently, appreciating the artistry. 

“Are you ready?” Hermann asks him. 

He looks down, unfolds the sheets of paper in his hands - his copy of the designs he had already worked through with the artist last week. Both rendered in the same brightly colored, almost cartoonish style as his original tattoos, one depicts Danger, standing over Otachi, both drawn with fascinating detail, and the other, Avenger, launching herself at the Mega-Kaiju with rocket boots. The darkest, most saturated parts of the design will, he’s planned, be set over his burn scars. 

He looks at the designs, as he has for the past week, and imagines them on his forearms, seeing them there every day. 

He smiles. “Yeah, I’m ready.” He says. “You don’t have to come with me, you know.”

Hermann snorts. “Ridiculous. I’m not going anywhere.” 

Newt smiles.

“And - you’re sure about this? Hermann adds.

“Are Kaiju-blood rocket boots  _ awesome _ ?”

Hermann smiles. “Alright.”

They walk in together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I suppose now is the right time to say that this fic would not exist without a lot of me yelling excitedly and getting feedback and encouragement from several friends - Kepler and Mairi, of course, who are to credit for the gratuitious FMAB references, and Alex, who is responsible for much of the development of the drift mechanics and the precursor bleedover, several suggestions for the earlier scenes with Precursor!Newt, and for getting me to see Pacific Rim in the first place. Thank you. Sorry there aren't more cuddles. <3
> 
> Thank you all for reading. I hope you enjoyed the ride!

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to hear what I've been listening to while outlining and writing this, you can check out this (utterly disorganized) playlist https://open.spotify.com/user/squireofgeekdom/playlist/4IgMOzOmVyfew0MX8UUEH1?si=SPU8xzzfSreDBbBdgmYoBw
> 
> Now with fanart!! http://squireofgeekdom.tumblr.com/post/174164386109/look-at-this-adorable-fanart-the-alexiad-made-for


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